Life through my spiritual eyes❤️
Therapy & Flip-flops❤️
Listening to: Wherever you will go - The Calling
"Fall in love with someone who sees the wars within you and not only chooses to stay but chooses to stand by your side and help you fight them."
It's such a gorgeous day, I am not inside long, just long enough to have lunch and then I will head back outdoors for the afternoon. I ran errands this morning and finally wearing shorts and flip-flops again lol. Anyone who knows me knows I love my flip-flops haha. It's supposed to be above 20 celsius for the next two weeks, bring it on!
I had therapy yesterday, we discussed things about my childhood trauma I have buried quite deep. For a while, the loss of my Dad was off the table. The abuse from my mother was off the table but in keeping them buried, I was only bringing it into my life now. I agreed it's time to open those memories and once and for all, heal. The loss of my Dad is a very difficult thing for me as he was my hero. He was my rock and he was my shelter, losing him, I was not prepared. While I knew he was dying, the ultimate loss was something I was not prepared for. It took me down a dark path that lead me to make some bad decisions and ultimately a major trauma in my life. We just touched the surface on that yesterday but we dug into my mother's abuse more and the impact it has on me now. While psychology is my degree, it's much harder to recognize the trauma in yourself you would easily see in a patient. With this discussion, while I knew I had abandonment issues, I did not learn the severity of it. Abandonment isn’t solely limited to being “abandoned” or “left.” Neglect is a huge form of abandonment. Neglect can be just as damaging because the neglectful person is actually still there, they just starve you of your needs, and there you are, left pining for their attention. When your own mother is emotionally unavailable and unable to provide you with the emotional and physical attention you need as well as meet your basic needs, you internalize this as if you have done something wrong or there is something wrong with you, and, sadly, you tell yourself that you are not worthy of their attention, time, love, and affection. This was my case. Hurt people, hurt people, my mother did not have the best life either. My mother was mentally unwell due to all she went through as a child too. It was not until my late teens I realized all this about her. So from as far back as I can remember, I remember not feeling good enough or worthy of her love. I ultimately carried this into relationships and ultimately why I married young and why I stayed through years of physical and emotional abuse. I left that relationship and buried that trauma, I became good at burying pain.
I learned that my abandonment issues are real and something I need to work on, and I am. At my request we are increasing my therapy and I will forever be working on myself but any relationship I enter will need to know and understand, I have abandonment trauma. I am not alone in this, A lot of us do and some may not even know it. Some people develop abandonment issues from relationships, not just parental causes, after being betrayed or ghosted by someone they cared about deeply, and experiences like these can cause some pretty deep wounds that can take a long time to heal. That doesn’t mean that having these issues I am not worthy of love: it just means that it takes a bit of extra care to break through my protective shield and show me that you truly care about me, and plan to stick around in my life. Don't use it as a means to control me or get my attention, don't threaten to leave, you will only damage me further. Fight with me and for me as I will for you and you will find a love like no other.
I know I have to unpack all this and finally deal with it. I do not feel burdened by it. I actually feel excited about my future and future relationships. While I felt so emotionally drained after this appointment, I slept well and woke to feel happy and positive. I also had a good talk about it this morning with a friend, we discussed the therapy. It was the first time I felt safe opening up to a man about that as I have always had my walls up on the issues surrounding the abuse I have endured in my life. It felt extremely vulnerable but liberating to finally put a voice out there for the little girl in me.
Remember this, if you are a trauma survivor, there is nothing wrong with you. You have patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody, and wounds to heal but there is nothing wrong with the core of you and who you are. You are unlearning generations of harm and remembering love. It takes time
Anyways, I rambled enough and I am done lunch so heading outside to work in my garden. My daughter is gone for the night so I have the house to myself, looking forward to it!
Have a wonderful day❤️