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2021-05-12 00:22:51 (UTC)

May Flowers

It’s been a long road from start to now. I never really put much stock in myself due to those around me that didn’t do much of it either. My grandmother and my father were the ones that saw what I never really saw in myself. It’s been since I began this new journey that I’m slowly coming into my own. I have always appreciated those that I have in the inner circle. Those that applaud me at my highs and those that hug me when I’ve been at rock bottom. There’s a reason they are far closer than anyone else in my life. That journey is going to keep going but I’ve added a few things to that road.

Since starting this new job, which is to me more amazing than I thought it would be. I’m impressed with myself and with that is coming a few more things. Looking at the car I bought and the things that I’ve finally made strides with on the horizon there came some personal changes and challenges. One of the things I have come to understand is that I let myself go for some time now. I never had much of a body image in the past. I am the one that guffawed at those that paid me compliments and just shook my head after thanking them for polite words. Looking at old pictures I nearly burned them. I can’t imagine that she and I were the same. She was so pretty and had everything that life could give her. I had to remind myself before I did that that she and I are the same. I had truly let myself go. It’s time to change that. With all the walking I have done at work in the last nearly two weeks, I really have seen what and who I am. I let myself get to a weight I wasn’t happy with. I know that I’m the only one that can change it. While I’m working on quitting smoking by limiting more where I smoke and to eventually get Chantix so that I have quit before fixing my teeth, there’s plenty more to go. I start school next month. That will help with the brain. Now it’s time to get to work on the body. There was a time when friends used to tease me for how small I was. It was my metabolism though and now it’s ebbing as my father warned me.

I don’t want to be dead at fifty like my mother. I’ve got a lot more years on me. This I know. I’ve had plenty of setbacks. This is my time though and it started tonight. I was asked recently when I was “due”. And I never thought that was a smack to the face until it happened to me. That stayed with me for some time and so with walking more at work and being up more, I came to realize that I need to do more. I’ve used the excuse that I can’t always get to a gym. It’s actually more truth than a lie. So, I brought the gym to me. Tonight, I bought a scale and a Gazelle. Why? It’s time to take the weight off. It’s time that I put actual work into it. I have no one to blame but myself. The best way to defeat that is to start putting the effort in.

Now some will say because of past journal entries that I’m doing this to compete with some of these younger girls. Nope. This I’m doing for myself. I started the water challenge for myself. Every time I go into the kitchen, I drink some water. It’s a way to drive myself. It’s a way to remind myself that I have to put the work in. It’s time that I put the effort in. Once upon a time I had access to a Gazelle, and I was always on that thing. Just me, some tunes, and I was able to go for quite some time. I need to get back to that if I want to take the weight off. I have been eating better even if sometimes I do slip and have some garbage. I do take my choices into consideration though. I know it won’t be overnight, but if I work for it then I can do it.

It’s time now for me to get things in order. It’s time to get me in order. I have no trouble with confidence in work or school. Now it’s time to extend that to myself. It’s time to remember who I was. I used to always be in motion. I let someone nearly destroy me and he almost succeeded in that. Now I have to wonder which one of us got the worst end of that deal. I feel myself getting stronger. I feel myself moving through these changes. I’m welcome to them and I’ve begun to open my arms to them. I have nearly completed what I will need to take up LARP. It may work for me and it may not, but I’m willing to give it hell. Another piece to what is me. I’ll still have writing as well. I’m just expanding more and more.

My bestie said that May is the month of transition. She’s not wrong. I know with each step that I’m taking that while I’m not fully sure where my foot will land but I have to take it. I know that it’s going to be a never-ending journey, but to me it’s fully worth it. It is also nearly time to finally put my foot down with one more thing. I’ve been making sure the debts are paid and there’s one thing left for me to shove off the fence. Either way I have to keep going and fully find myself. Another step on the journey. Another piece of myself to reclaim. That girl in the picture? She’s me and I’m her. Now it’s time to make both of us proud.

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