Crystalline_Dream

Crystalline_Dream
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2021-05-08 12:23:34 (UTC)

Sex Addict

Ah, beautiful Saturday. How I've longed for you. Slept great, up early, coffee, breakfast, and now preparing for my outing. Today I will be taking the subway to Manhattan's lower east side and I will explore this thing called the Bhakti Center. I'll be attending some sort of spiritual discussion about this particular type of yoga including meditation and discussion. It sounds great and much needed. I've felt so spiritually isolated and disconnected throughout the pandemic. I'm craving human companionship especially since I had to let my friend Alejandro go.

We were very close for a while. Two pisces, spiritual, fun-loving people, bonded by a hispanic heritage complete with hispanic style family dynamics and trauma. I really miss him. But he had a shady side to him too. Having been homeless in his youth, he had issues surrounding money. So he tended to be kind of cheap with and greedy about money. Going out with him was somewhat irritating on that note when it came to paying for drinks or dinner or a cab. I kind of overlooked this tendency for a while and also his tendency to consume too much alcohol. But even that was okay. The straw that really broke the camel's back is that he also had significant issues surrounding sexual compulsions. I tried to be understanding about it even as I was horrified about some of the things that he did... for example one time he told me that he had sex with some new, unsuspecting Buddhist girl in the temple. It's like how disrespectful can you be? But I listened patiently and didn't judge him. At least not outwardly. I listened to his stories about sending inappropriate pictures to unsuspecting women on instagram. That was really perverted and gross but still I didn't judge him. But when he started directing his out of control compulsions towards me, I decided that I'd had enough. He had met this new girl, said that they planned to make a sex tape and put it on the internet and before that, he wanted me to watch them in person (only to get my opinion on how they look of course). Yeah, right like I'm that stupid. Anyway, it became apparent to me that he didn't really desire to transcend spiritually. He wasn't working hard enough to transcend his issues. And furthermore, when I got obviously offended, his apology was rather lame and didn't try very hard to save the friendship. So it was over. And a big, Alejandro shaped space appeared in my universe as I decided to move ahead without him. For the record I do believe that he was aware of his issues and that in his own way he tried to do things about it but not enough. Definitely not enough.

So, having drifted away from some Alejandro related social circles and moving in a new spiritual direction entirely, AND the fact that there's a pandemic and I'm rather limited in meeting new people, I have found myself rather lonely and without much companionship outside of my partner. And frankly, there have been problems there too. We live in this tiny studio apartment, rarely get out, are consistently up each others ass so it's like a recipe for disagreements and fighting which has been sadly plentiful lately. Ugh, so I decided I need to get the fuck out this weekend. I need to let my mind settle and enjoy my own company on a long train ride. I need to see fresh faces, enjoy fresh places and hopefully learn something new. So here's hoping its a worthy venture and a good day. I need it.


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