Alice

my life is a mess that i can't escape
2021-05-06 21:12:39 (UTC)

hopeless

I woke up late today. So, I missed 2 classes in this morning. Then, I had breakfast. So, I didn't join 3 classes today. Anyay, today we had an envelope. It was about my brother's university credit. He has to pay lots of money. I hope he can handle this.
After that envelope stuff, I joined rest of my classes. They were good, my classes finished at about 11.30 am. I was going to join the online workshop of my school, but I had to go to my grandmother's house. You know, I love my grandma so much and being able to spend lots of time with her is the best thing in my life. But sometimes I find going to her difficult to me. Because I mostly cancel my daily plans, to go her. Sometimes it isn't so enjoyable to me. That doesn't mean that I don't like my grandmother, but she is always talk about her problems and death etc.

While I was preparing to go to my grandma's house, my mother was cleaning our house. At that time, wife of my uncle sent us some photos from their summer house. I'm not jealous them, but I don't need to see their life everyday. I shouldn't have to see their life. Actually, I'm happy for my uncle. Because he was looking happy in the photos. They bought a summer house last summer, we also visited there but it was AWFUL. Of course, environment and house were beautiful, but my cousins' behaviors were disgusting. Unfortunately I'll have to go there again end of this month. Because one of my cousins will be engaged. I hate all of the wedding stuff. Anyway, I mean my other cousins wouldn't visit my grandma a lot if they lived in the same city with her. They rarely call my grandma, not even a day in a week. I call her almost twice a day, but when I say something bad accidentally or forget to call, my grandma thinks bad things about me quickly.

Sometimes I think that my youth is being lost day by day. I can feel this clearly in this pandemics. I live in a small city, and I have less opportunities to improve myself here. I'm studying all day for a silly education system. Everything is unknown, and I don't know what to do. I'm also unsure about my future, I don't even know what I want. I want to choose a path for myself, but I have to lots of things I'm not interested in to reach my goal. Sometimes that thought makes me really tired. That's why I feel hopeless.

Anyway, I went to my grandmother and we spent some time together. After an hour, I came back home and draw something. Then, I studied German and talked with my voluntary work friends. By the way, one of our member left the group. He was the secretary, and I must find someone now. Actually, he was handsome and a little bit arrogant. I think he was looking like Benny Watts in The Queen's Gambit.



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