4nothing

The great compromise
2021-05-06 00:06:30 (UTC)

A healthy dose of fuck you

There are a few perspectives I want to cover... but I’m not sure I can get my thoughts out well. It’s 1am and I just read this message that I just read and closed and closed my eyes... about a half hour ago. Now, I’m kinda stewing about it and something she sent me today too.

I’ll start with she questioned why I’m exercising. She asked if I was trying to get back into shape like I was in my twenties. No. Flat out, no. First I don’t think that is possible. I’m older and I don’t have the time for that. I can’t imagine any day where I’d have time to go ride 50-60 miles and not be a corpse at the end. I also can’t imagine I’d ever have 1/2 a day to dedicate to myself... repeatedly to the point where I could be in shape enough to go hit the road that hard. The reason I’m exercising is because I don’t feel good... or didn’t feel good about the skin I was in. I’m not there yet. Maybe in a month I’ll be there, but not today. That said, I have about tripled and quadrupled the exercises I did at the beginning of my exercise journey. I feel good about that. I am more sure footed. I am by far stronger physically. I am actually stronger mentally too, but that is not related to physical exercises.

I was sent this list of Sorcerer’s Apprentice style questions. Like do you like me type... although a much more adult version... of course from her. It was her attempt to be humorous about prying me about where my head is. I don’t blame her for asking. The answer is, I don’t see a situation where I resign guardianship from my son... at least not fully. We are co-guardians and as far as I can tell, he likes it that way. He literally chose me again tonight. Third night in a row.

Sharing. Some people are just private. I am to a great degree although it does not reflect here, or with the few people in my circle. That is probably a circle that contains one person. There is one person that can ask me anything and I know today, that that person will get an absolutely truthful answer. An hour ago that answer would have been two. Why? I got served a healthy dose of fuck you. I ate it... and 🤷🏻‍♂️... what can I do? Some people just don’t want me in their business. I get it. I’m a lot... but I’m also 100%. So thank you for your honesty and terse candor. It’s obvious you are done with me or I will always be kept at arms length. It’s hard to bond with the pole that is used to keep you away. That said, I remember the chimp that bonded with a box because he lost his mom... well, I’ll never be that chimp. Like I said, I’m stronger today than I was a year ago- both mentally and physically.

So I was asked what I see as my future. I answered before that I was certain I will be alone. Well, yeah. I’ve been alone for some 15 years... just living with the same people that long. I don’t see myself living in this house too much longer. After I get it sellable, I imagine I’ll sell it, and move on. Alone. I will have time to travel. Maybe go to my niece’s graduation party in Michigan in July. Who knows... this house will still need new flooring in the second floor and two new bathrooms upstairs before I can sell it... so lots to do even after I do what I need to on the first floor. I’ll hate that I didn’t get much of a chance to enjoy what I’ve done, but I feel like it’s about time.

Did I mention that she got me a grill cover thing? It’s free standing and you are supposed to grill under it. The intent was to put bird feeders in it and put it in the yard. It’s a really cool thing... but she put it in the far corner of the yard. Now I can’t see the birds at all. I looked at spotting scopes and cctv cameras... but who wants to watch birds like that? It just kinda makes me sad. I still have my hummingbird feeders... but all the song birds have left.




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