Gentleman ♀

On And Off

Hello,

So by on and off, I'm referring to my eating habits. I'm not the skinniest kid but I'm also not "large". Either way, I want to be skinny. I think it started back in 5th grade, back then I was pretty much constantly eating, and even just thinking about it now makes me cringe. I honestly feel like a fucking pig just thinking about it but either way one day I just stopped eating for like a week. I just didn't eat anything except dinner for like a week straight. At first, I was like ''what the hell is wrong with me'' but around halfway through the week, I realized I kinda preferred not eating to eating and so it began. After that week everything was normal until sometime around the beginning of this year where I decided to stop eating whenever I could and it worked for two weeks this time but then I went back to eating. I eat normally for a while, then eat a ton for a day or two, then barely eat for like a week or two, and it just repeats over and over and I don't like it. Honestly, I think I like feeling hungry better than feeling full. I used to try and throw it up like a bulimic or something like that but I decided against it 'cause one; It's way too loud and noticeable, two; I don't feel like eroding my teeth, and three; don't take this weirdly, I don't have that good of a gag reflex so its literally just me coughing over a toilet for like 10 minutes looking like an idiot. Sometimes it works a little when I'm in the shower and can just spit it out but it's only a little so I just mostly gave up on it. Half of it is because I'm self-conscious but honestly, half of it is once again just because I like being hungry. Maybe some things wrong with me idk. Once I was in the car with my mom and she was on the phone and she just casually said that I was always the chunky one and how my sister has always been a stick figure. I probably shouldn't have taken it as hard as I did but Hailey isn't a stick figure at all. She was a cute little chubby kid at the time and I thought "well if that's a stick figure I must look fricking obese compared to her". It also kind of hurts how surprised my mom is whenever I reject food. Like she looks genuinely surprised that I don't want food even if I had just eaten lunch or something. I used to cry about it in the shower or in bed but now I don't think I've cried in months. I used to be such a sensitive kid who cried over movies (like the kid who cried whenever they heard the song from the greatest showman cause ThEy WeRe SuCh A cUtE cOuPlE BuT sHe HaS tO gO tO sChOoL aNd ThEy CaNt SeE eAcHoThEr EvEr AgAiN), was afraid of horror games, and slept with their door open in case I got scared of the dark or needed to run out of my room but now I sleep with my door closed and light off and I love everything horror. I used to run up the stairs from the basement but now I just imagine the monster killing me and I don't mind it anymore. My mom always asks what happened to me cause I don't find horror movies scary anymore and I don't cry when the love interest dies but I just say I don't know and shrug it off. It's not that I don't care anymore it's just that I know everything's fake now and even when I can't comprehend that it's fake I like the little feeling of danger. TIME CHANGE TO ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, AFTER LUNCH. So I just got back from lunch and the only thing I've eaten today was a serving of cheese and almonds. I'm still not hungry yet but it feels good knowing that I don't have much in my stomach. I guess I was kinda lost in thought at lunch cause whenever I looked back at my friends they were all staring at me weirdly. I feel bad saying this but sometimes I wish I didn't have any friends for both our sake. They've been trying to get me to hang out for weeks and through a mixture of real and fake excuses I've been avoiding it. I don't really know why I'm doing it, it just feels like I should. I really, REALLY don't want to hang out with them for some reason and I can't figure it out. Whatever I'll force myself to hang out eventually. I'll write again soon!

~Gentleman