Letters to No One
2021-05-04 22:41:04 (UTC)

Old flames and new beginnings

Dear No One

I'm not a fan of change. It takes me a long while to get used to my surroundings. When I'm comfortable, it's hard to get me out of my comfort zone. I don't know if I've always been this way, but anyway I'll get to that.

Ettienne was here on Sunday with my brother to say goodbye. Rick had warned me before Sunday to behave...lol. Ettienne asked, "Where's the husband?"
I replied, "With his family."
He asked, "When's he coming back?"
Me: "Tomorrow."
He nodded and said, "Good. Let's talk."
Just like that. He told my brother to give him a few minutes then we went outside.
Long story short, he had me in tears halfway through our conversation. I really thought I wasn't good enough for this man, but it was not the case.
I asked him. "Why'd you do it then?" And he said, "Because you scared the shit out of me."
I said, "Explain."
He then explained how I made him feel. He said he wanted me to be a plaything, nothing more, then I came with all my weirdness and my silly family and his feelings changed. His exact words were: "I wanted to ruin you for making me feel all these unwanted emotions. " And he did. He ruined me properly. He also said that society would've ripped us to shreds because of our age difference (22 years) so he had to make me hate him.
I was young and naive, so mission accomplished, I guess.
I only said, "I forgive you."
BUT, I don't believe him, not completely. Some of it is true, but there's something else, something he didn't want to share. I have a feeling my brother had something to do with it, but it is what it is.

Anyway, we hugged it out and he whispered. "I love you, little one." And I cried again. Then I said, "Love you too, asshole."

They left a few minutes after he took my phone and unblocked his number...lol.

When Rick came back yesterday, he asked what happened and I told him everything. He's not happy about it, but he handled it pretty well. Now he knows how I felt every time I had to talk to fucking Veronica.
Just saying.
Just saying.

So Rick spent a few days with his brother and he met his ex boss's biggest competitor/enemy. This dude offered him a job. And Rick accepted the fucking job because the dude offered a lot of money. I fucking hate money.

I told my mother last night that I'm scared to move this side of the country because it's unfamiliar, you know? I started crying again for the 1000th time in 2 days and told her how my happiness counts and how miserable I'll be here, etc etc. My mother said, "You need to be selfish for once in your life."
I said, "I want happiness. If that means I have to divorce Rick then so be it."

Unfortunately, Rick overheard our conversation, so when I went upstairs to take a shower, we had the biggest argument ever. Man, it was bad.
I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but I swear I'm not. If Rick included me, his wife, in his decision making then I'd be singing a different tune. But he didn't and I was pissed. Communication, communication, communication. That's all.

Because our number one rule is 'Never go to bed angry' we had no choice but to talk it out. So we did.

He starts on Monday (next week). Then he'll sign his contract of employment. We have to move to a small town about 110 km from my family. So I'll go back home for a month while Rick stays here to work. We'll do house hunting together, even though we'll be far apart, and I'll do all the packing and arranging and whatnot. As soon as we find a house, we'll move. Our new beginning.

It happened so fast, my head is still spinning.

Like I said, I'm not a fan of change. But we'll make it work somehow.
If not, my family will be nearby in case I decide that I've had enough.

We have to stay here another week or so and I miss my furbabies so damn much it hurts.

I'm a mess.