Mystic Eve

Innerspace
2021-04-30 15:04:48 (UTC)

Previous Thought #1

Dear Murphy
"I'm afraid I will become permanently numb one day if I don't stop pushing away my feelings"
That was a thought I had a few days ago. It came after receiving an unneeded and undeserved criticism I barely recognized as being rude and disrespectful. You see?... that's just the problem. I didn't notice until much later... which is sad because the reason I didn't notice was because it happens so much it's normal for me. What?! sigh
This got me thinking about other things I might not be noticing, not the bad or negative things - there is a plethora of those...which I sorta feel not noticing is a defense mechanism to protect myself.... I have many of those tactics. Anyway... I'm talking about the good stuff. Things like a genuine compliment that comes my way, praise for doing a great job, or even a small gesture of affection. I always believe compliments are because the person delivering them is simply being polite and not actually genuine. I often will deflect praise at work and step back letting my team bask in accomplishments. When they succeed, I do. Gestures of affection are foreign to me. So much so I'm not sure I can actually explain what one is without referencing a scene in a movie. (If someone out there feels a desire to fill me in, please do... I'll probably think you're bat-crap crazy, but I promise to hear you out.)
I guess what I'm truly afraid of is the fact it may be too late to fear becoming permanently numb. What if I'm already there? Honestly that isn't a question...it's more of a statement. I feel I'm already there and it scares me to know I'll never find my way back from numb. I know it's my own fault, I fully admit that, but what if some day something or someone really great comes my way... wants to take care of me and always has my best interest at heart. Wants to give himself fully to me as my partner and desires the same thing from me? I'll never see it...never be able to recognize it and see it for what it truly is and push him away...always doubting, ultimately severely hurting him because of my doubt and jaded emotions...and the numb. Maybe it's better in the numb....
I promise to tell happy stories soon Murphy, but until next time....
-Eve