2021-05-04 14:36:24 (UTC)

Women, amirite?

There's no way to say this without sounding woke or simp or any other labels you can come up with. But I don't give a fuck.

Girls have it harder.

I know I have no authority to comment on the conditions of women all over the world, not just because I'm not educated on the subject, but also because I am not a woman. But I have eyes, and I see things and it pains me to shut up and not do anything about them. Like other things in my life, I consider this a beginning towards some major changes in my life.

I know CJ. I've known her a long time and I am confident in saying that she's my friend. But what she has given me is more than friendship. When it comes to women, and I know this will sound arrogant although there's no reason to because there is nothing enviable about it, I'm a lot like Marlon Brando. In that he had a shitty relationship with all women, a condition that stemmed from his abandonment by his childhood governess and later by his mother. The closest woman in my life is my mother as well, and suffice it to say, she's a bitch. But it wasn't always this simple for me. I couldn't just call her a bitch and put the rest the internal turmoil that raged within me. I started this diary crying over how I disappointed my mother by choosing not to be a doctor. In a way, she's the reason this diary exists. And it is no joke when I say that this diary is my most valuable possession. Not because I am ashamed of the secrets I confess here, if the situation arises I shall own up to them with pride. But this diary is the truest representation of me. In here, I am immortalized. However, I find it to be irony of an especially ugly nature that the thing that I value the most in this world owes its existence to the person whom I despise the most. Which is kinda like how she's the one that gave birth to me, even though I haven't had the opportunity to conduct a DNA test yet. Herein lies Mother Nature and her cunt ways, in all her supreme bitchiness.

What I'm trying to say is that if it weren't for CJ, my mother would have been the representative of womanhood for me and I would have grown up to be Geek, who is a despicable human being with zero respect for anybody and that's only because he'll never land a real lady because he's butt ugly with a boring personality and no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I cannot mention this enough, but he happens to be a 20 year old man who's still watching Power Rangers and still pretends like he's somehow superior. Some people are beyond help. Then again, I would have felt sad for him, if it weren't for the fact that I cannot stand his guts.

A specific way in which I know she had it worse than I did (and still do) was how she constantly had to prove her worth. I should mention here that she comes from a reasonably wealthy family, with enough means to be able to support her education in one of the most expensive schools in a big city. But she wasn't the picture of a spoiled rich high-school brat that one may come to anticipate. She was disciplined, hard-working and quite scared when I first came to know her. In fact by the way she acted and her inability to fit in with all the other rich kids, I assumed she was on a scholarship. She always had an invisible guilt hanging around her, which made it difficult for her to express herself. It was only after I got to know her that I became aware of the mountain of pressure that she was under. Pressure to perform, to produce results. She was to succeed, or die trying as reimbursement for her expensive education. I can't blame her for taking this seriously. While the CJ of today would certainly have rebelled, she was a different person five years ago. To make matters worse, her brother who was in the same school felt no need to demonstrate any skill or talent or take advantage of all the resources he had access to. I have no idea what he's doing now, I didn't bother asking.

I knew CJ was special the first time I talked to her. There was something I can't describe that really intrigued me. I introduced her to my friends and we really got along. This was great for her because I think for the first time in her life she learned that it is possible to not take life seriously. Me and boys <insert cool guy emoji> were (still are) amazingly bad sons. We entertained each other for hours about how we were making our parents' lives difficult. Geek, gross as ever, would regale us with tall tales of how he fucked his cousin. That man is a virgin, and I stake my dignity on it. We'd all pretend to get turned on by his stories and I include myself in this because I was in no way better than any of them. True story, I knew a guy who legit gave his mother a heart attack. This sounds like a brag. I promise it isn't. But stuff like this definitely lowered her expectations and made her chill the fuck out. So if a heart attack is what it takes, so be it. And one day, I don't know when she became the cool CJ. So cool in fact, that she grew the balls to be a history major which was something her whole family was against and I know she still gets shit for it. But she's strong now, she can deal with it. Besides, I'm never going to leave her. Not unless she wants me to.

Now I know this wasn't such a serious argument throwing light on the fundamental differences that exist in society between different genders. Nobody died in this story, or got seriously injured which I suppose, makes it less credible to some people. I'm just lucky to not live in such a place. But that doesn't mean CJ's struggle isn't real. It's going to last her a long time and she's going to have moments of weakness where she's going to go around asking for approval from everybody, no matter how competent she is or they are. And to me that is despicably ugly.