If I die today
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2021-05-03 05:30:15 (UTC)


Yesterday there was a move so eCarri was completely moved from nDea's trailer. The olny thing that sorta urks me but no need to get bent about it is that the move was done by about 2ish or sooner at 530/6 when nDea and i were walkiing his dog guess who text and NOW (not literally right now I dont hink ) she wasnts him to set up the tv stand and such. They had arranged that he would set up her stuff when she moved so he was sorta commited but she didnt want it done while he was there it is a 20min or so drive so what a pain. IDK whatever he has to deal with it. IM sure shes gonna want time with the dog or "forget " something or miss him or some bullshit. He couldnt take me with him to set her up bc he didnt know about his daughter so I am assuming his daughter doesnt like me and the odd thing is I dont even know her and she doesnt know me. I dont know where or how eCarri would have much on me to say other than her drama about how i "stole" her man. Which he never commited to her so she can get over her deliousions. To be fair thou he did keep feeding her imagation I dont know when why or how but I do know she has a ring from him. They did do everything together so IDK maybe he's more guilty than I like to believe. This whole situation well I dont know I dont see Gods stamp of approval on it as far as yeah I've defintly been outta bounds somewhere but I wouldnt want to change it or give him up. Maybe I do thou if it turns out that he cant let go of eCarri. Last night I feel asleep between 930and 10 I woke up by 630 this morning. I've ate and took my d3 I'm gonna eat again at 7ish get my mulit and try to wipe out some chores yesterday was non productive. I had that headache yesterday and I have pain thre is a hole in my tooth in the way back I think it would have been next to my wisdom tooth its the last tooth on the top that side in the back I can feel the tooth and a big hole. I'm not sure what I want to do but I had mistakently thought I could get a DIY home filling by tommorow on amazon no of course not the earliest is looking like wendsday I think I may do thaht thou get that ordered now so anyhow I walked to Target around 7last night for no good they didnt have the product or I didnt see it I got back a bit after 8. The wind should be in 15ish range so not planning a run today plus I wnt to do chores. The walk yesterday did have me in pain just before I got home too so literally my leg hurt then but I recovered onve I stopped moving. Oh yestetrday I had one promethezine arounf like noonish or something bc I leterally thought I wasnt gonna be able to get lunch down. I asked nDea to get some info on spefic apartments when things slow down but I have some idea of what I want I'm gonna try to sorta start gettin into downsizing as far as packed so that within a few months I'll be ready to go I have way to much stuff for one person and I cant afford all this and still paying the atty. I dont have dental with my health insurance its medicare so I'm not sure whats gonna happen. Guess we will see. Also I am a little worried about nDea I think he was dependant on her more than he knew. I think his budget will balance out not haveing her nickel and dime him of course he picked up some new bills but I still think itll balance and if not It will give a picture of well maybe they really are married in some weird mental level but hopefully he can cut the cord. Did I mention he tried to exsplain to me that she was born premature and has been inapproiate like thas "c is just c" She's never been right. He tried to tell me she csant physcially mentally emptionally have those bounderies. Okay so I can soften a ltittle to the idea maybe she's handicapped mentally like a TBI but I still veiw her and her behavior as wicked and she is repsonible for what she is doing her little tempar tampturms and entrapping someone mentally emontinally for 20plus years. The whole nature of her text still gets me. I think its a game to her. I dont know but I"m saving this months rent and then will see wher eI need to be next month. I want to get good boxes but I also dont wanna waste so its a tough call how much I want to spend on boxes just now but maybe getting organised and containing stuff in a way that could be moveable. Not to much to consider if this is my last moments just the tooth might be a big part of it. As far as the drama oh thats just that itll always be something. I'm planning or returning to running tommow and possible a longer walk today if the weather is okay. I'm eanting to increase my activity again. Ok todays question. THis kinda rubs me in all kindsa ways I'm not sure I understand it and it kinda touches spiritual things but I think it does not imply reincaration or vudo or withcraft so I'll do my best.
The question:
Are there syncoronstic events that could be a clue to my souls purpose?

Much of my main goals in the short term teenish years came true I wanted a job at the gym front desk then to trainer I wanted to do the fire dept thing . I wanted to get married. I actually had wanted the affairs with my bosses and all that wierd crap too but thats another story. Anyhow I did most of those works as just freakin sloppy reckless acts it was never really a reall thing. So thats that but if I had never moved in 2017 Id never have been here. I would have still been likely spinning in circles in my dark hell cloud. Funny thing in talking to nDea a few nights ago I asked him where he would be not for her and he said he always wanted to be married so he would have thought he'd be married by now if not for this whole relationship and C. so I guess the drama kept him where he would need to be for me. Things happen to me all the time as far as everyone HAS to be driving where I'm walking at the exact time. People are always in my way right in front of where I want to be shopping. All kindsa crap like that which I think is all just like a little challanges that always happen just to me. I still dont know how to negotiate all those type things and I get frustrated. Ok now to focus as a child I dont know what events lead up to what. so When I was in the FD I wanted this other junior guy so I of course tried to do something with him and get a ride home I lied about forgetting something but IDK why I think I wanted attention and a cover up I was 16 and so I started acting all weird on purpose I remeber purpoefully wearing the smae clothes and making ommuinus statements till like weeks later when someone asked then I claimed to be raped or sexually assualted IDK I dont know what the story was excatly that I said. OK so Wehn I got working at Bounce ARound the inflatable center I was probaly close to 20ish somehow he was in a aprty and rembered me and outright asked why i did that and althou it had been tearing me up inside for yesrs I told him no I dont know or remeber that. Anyhow there was a chance for me to apologise there and I never did. When I was like 18ish first ventura on my own I had a gig I failed at of course for Toms cleaning service. The owner was this married guy had a rpetuation for being a pervert and stuff irnoicly years later I ened up working for his wife (and him) at Bounce around and somehow I had a heart for thier family we were even neighbors and she would drive me to work . The inflatables was her business. In general thou my bad life expiernces give me an empthany for people in certian cases. I really think I' was in the spiritual battle and I know that I'm not that person anymore. I still feel guilt shame and embarsment inside I havnt addressed all lifes issues. Like the whole santa thign where I thought he said this isnt sex here but just a few months ago it occured me to this isnt set here. OMG I feel so stupid I never in those moments like 8 or so years ago had thought oh maybe he said SET. but I've always wondered about that for years and felt bad. I have a lot of hiccups in life that I screwed up and had drama and I stil am unclear on. Ive had a lot of ideas go bad and not workout or I nevr followed thru and I'm thankfull actually bc I reallise some of it was foolish. I wanted to be a teenge mom. I wanted 10children or so as a child. I wanted to be a "priest" at some point. I had wanted to date and be with my teacher then there was my JKD instructor. Then as far a jobs I kept mixing peronal and business assuming the employeer had an interst in me personall not sexually but like I used to think employers business companies were responible for you as a human being a person. I used to want to me a docotr and talked about a "gastro instental Emergency surgeon" which now I know its not exactly how that works. My personal traiing I always wanted to focus on healthcare and emergerncy workers to spefcly train body mechanice and functional exersices. I never really had the skill for that sorta thing but I had come up with a new specialtiy but I let that die when I was fired from Merrit. The texting with my sister this weekend just openly and burtle honesty about our history has weighed on me and I feel like we need each other and have somethings in commone and I feel a sence of peace over it and some hope for both of us. I dont know who remebers it all correct or not and I dont know if I'm right or wrong but I feel like she's helping heal me and I like to ghink I'm helping her. Okay so I have a secert I told her the brief and look I hate this soo much at some points I did wish people would die so it wouldnt come out or I had wanted some sorta understanding on conclusion soo here it goes. eJulie and yLindse are cousins I had my age in separte inconets I remeber some perverse stuff between us and orignally eJuli tried to tell my baries were having sex but I denied it and nothing became. With yLindesy we were in bed togethr we didnt know what we were doing we were kids we played sex and I was the man then IDK if she was but anyhow we were all young and it tour me up as adult and well both of them died eJuli had a car wreck Gosh I want to say we werent even 25 . yLindse overdosed like 3 years ago. Allright well I"m getting antsy and overwhelemd nevous but thats what I got for today so life's been a long journey come many ways and a few coindences and events have set up some things that play out today.

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