2021-05-03 13:23:55 (UTC)

A draining mental health day for me

I took a sick day today, more for mental health reasons than anything else. My brain feels fried and my energy depleted. I'm always going. Always working on something whether for work or school. At work I'm expected to help them to get the new computer program going. Not in an IT way but in a data entry way for my department. It requires me to learn the program more thoroughly and quickly than other people and it will require me to work one weekend this month.

At school, I'm dealing with studying for finals. Methodology has been a rather cerebral class. The concepts aren't always that hard on the surface but learning to apply them can be a little challenging and the work is very detailed leaving no stone unturned. I'm learning to do research but it's a little vague because I haven't yet taken much in the way of statistics. So I understand the principle of sampling techniques but I have no insight into the mathematical equations that are used making it difficult to know when it's appropriate to use one sample type over another. It's interesting in a way when I think about the end goal of answering the research question that I want to know. On the other hand, it can be sort of dry and tedious spelling out every single detail and how to define it, measure it, calculate it, and summarize it. Also all of the prep work involved. Literature review which basically involves research about previous research, writing it all out, variables, hypothesis, sampling technique, data collection, probability etc, and then writing a proposal, filling out paper work, designing survey questions, finding and selecting appropriate scales, designing a consent form. Ahhhh, it makes me want to pull every hair out of my head. I can follow it but ultimately I don't know if I'm smart enough or maybe I am smart enough but I simply don't care enough to be bothered. I'm doing well so far but her tests are so hard. I'm seriously worried about the final. So I'm spending my "sick day"/mental health day studying. Not the mental break that I really require or hoped for but this is the finish line for now. Starting next week, I will have 3 weeks off and then I start statistics. =(

In light of all of this, I'm often grumpy. I feel like I'm busting my ass both at work and school and have little to show for it. I'm wondering if there will ever be a big, magical day where it will all pay off. Will I ever get paid what I believe I'm worth? Will I ever live better than I'm currently living and thrive a bit after being in student loan hell? Will I ever have a job that I actually enjoy? Will I ever be able to retire comfortably? So many things hanging out there in time and space and I just don't know. But anyway, this tired, tired student must get back to work. Wish me luck.