Nimue

Dear Bridget
2021-05-03 08:01:31 (UTC)

No Openings

Hey, morning B,

My shift ends in 3 hours and I've got a busy week planned. Doctors appointments and touching base with a few friends. I'm almost getting back to my old self again.

I was thinking, tonight, about how openings to conversation come about. Body language, eye contact, where you stand on the floor to make yourself available or not.

There were a few times tonight where it almost seemed like we might...have a conversation. There was a hope and a dread in me, and it reminded me of back before we dated, except now we have history and hurt spirits in the way. A few times you turned away, another time I did.

Things were starting to feel less awkward until one of the ICU guys came downstairs and caught sight of me and we had a brief back and forth. He flirted, commenting on my new red hair. I was polite, and painfully aware of you ten feet or so away. After he left you walked out into the night and I had no way of dismissing the whole thing. I shouldnt care? But I dont know. I do. You kept a wide, wide berth of me after that.

Back to square one.

NS picked up a shift last night. She was the pixie like beauty queen of the ER before she transferred. We caught up, and I thought about how you once told me that you looked at me the way most people look at her. It was one of the few times I didn't feel gross or self conscious to be called pretty.

So. Three more hours and I try to redirect my energy to think about things other than hoping that one of us breaks first and starts talking to the other. I miss you so, so much in my life. I just wish I had been able to help you the way you wanted me to. I want to hear your voice again, and hug you tightly as if this was all a bad dream.

This was a good weekend. I hope the ones coming up are good too. I hope you're doing alright. I want so much to talk to you again, but I am afraid of getting hurt again.

Maybe this week I'll write about some of our memories. Maybe that will help me process some things and move on a little more.




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