I did cut myself a little. ..
I did cut myself a little. Because there are a pile of razors by the sink in the bathroom.
Too sharp to really have the satisfying pain, and very narrow, thin, but if pure pain was enough I'd hit myself. I want blood and damage.
Right after I cut myself (upper thigh, because cutting the arms where people can see is so gauche) I noticed a notif from Josh. He recommended I take tianeptine, and asked if it I was feeling extra shitty due to withdrawal. I then realised that I did take slightly less that past 36 hours than usual. But it is also circumstantial, and I told him something to the effect of how I resent the idea of taking something to numb me from circumstantial stuff, but also some of it was me. I was probably thinking about how I'd fucked things up with James when I said that.
Been thinking about that a lot. Not even angry. Just sad. I've said it before.
The tianeptine sulphate took the edge off. Although SSRIs are funny things, they can make you kinda check out emotionally enough to go ahead with self-destructive acts... Perhaps it's also the opioid effect.
Turns out 'Enjoy The Silence' particularly the cover by Failure, reminds me of him. So I traced the vein along my left arm and wrist, thinking how I could. All the anger and the loneliness and worthlessness and hopelessness, inside this little glass box, so easy to see now they were outside of me.
How gauche of me. I suppose it counts as "hesitation marks"?
If I'm not afraid to die, then why would I be afraid to kill?