legacy

If I die today
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2021-04-30 05:45:15 (UTC)

that is the question

Todays question as far as the whole phsychology thing is concerned is what part of your day is joyful? I will get to that after my little blurbs and thoughts and whatnots should everything go wrong in my life and I'm expired before my 125years or maybe I become absent somehow. I'm having bad feelings and concerns will he (nDea) really be done with eCarri? Is it really over after the move. I'm concerned about that. Not sure which direction to head my life in but maybe I should cut it off and give him time I know we want to be together but I dont know if I can tolerate him attending to the C monster. I consider her an abuser I get he's a nice guy and outside pressures. I dont know detials but ok I did not realise the 1st was satuday I thought it was Sunday so my mistake. SO tommorow should be moving day they had free delivery set up on her bed but she wanted the bed delivered sunday and to have an extra day there bc "she didnt know when they would get keys" so he's going to pick up the bed himself today. Then also theers a family cookout on Sunday I guess he's going to and I wonder if thats a date and he's taking her or if they're going seperate and he just doesnt want me around her bc I think she's a psychopath. I literly texted him this morning that If there isnt a move Saturday can we get hotel till there is. and man I'm serious. but we'll see I've been up since around 430 Feel asleep about 830-9ish yesterday. I tried to walk to an ATM but it was really smokey out bc there was fire going still and well that whole sidewalk thing at after6 theyre was still construction work active so I was uncomfortable just walking on it past them since well the cones were up. I was gonna got the usual route and chance it but nDea said he could take me after he ate so he literally took me to a bank so I didnt even have an ATM fee. He;s mostly on my mind and I'm trying to decide budget wise I think I need to hang on to this months rent bc I might need it for atty fee or what not but do not plan on moving in with him so I need to plan on paying again in june as much as I can I just have to keep planning on indepence and maybe my low income single housing will come up . I need to see how much he caters to her after this move. I dont know what I need to see but I'll know. so I need to apologise to him for taking things too fast. I understand I can not save or rescue him from being devoured and consumed and exhausted in resaources time and phsycially from this monster. Hes been abused he's a victim but I also know its up to him to want the sh!t to end and I'm sorry theres no room for mercy or guilt catering to have to accomadate her every desire at his exspence or to let her think its okay to grab at him put moves on him and claim she's gonna make out with him right in front of me if I'm around and why would he even consider doing family camping with her. ITs not a question I mean for me no wwy would I want to pursue a relationship with someone like that once they were off my turf. Mothers day I already know he feel like he needs to do somthing for her so I know I dont wanna be around . Its all quite sad and maybe I'm mistaken. He proves himself and suprises me but I dont think he understands we are fighting demons a monster she's really disturbed and the fact she has been allowed to own him for so long is concerning I dont think its gonna break overnight and who knows what she will forget or need from him now. He thinks its all cool and good. Abusers are not like that thou I'm preparing for a battle. Anyhow moving on. I dont have much to say physchially I ate lunch about 1ish but I overate yesterday bc I wanted to finish the left over squash macncheese so I have one of my large bowls (soup? cereal? bowls not a serving bowl) full with the mac n cheese. I got heartburn later and also I was regretting overeatting for lunch and I do not want to finish that soup and I cant justify getting into other food yesterday but today the soup is trash itsold news past its prime and i'm making speghitti for lunch and I have my chicken tenders potoes and so on the little tv dinner meal homemade left over. I do want to drink thou and I kinda want frozen pizza but whatever I need to do whats best and peaceful so IDK if I'll make better choices I'd hope so but I'm in a lot of feelings and worry about nDea its overwhelming. I jsut see such a great injustice and I'm really sad bc he's perfect for me but I know he may not be able to commit. I might be suprised thou . I have no plans this weekend which could be bad news but Sunday is my monthly bleaching if the weather complies and I can ventalite and get fresh air. Ok otherwise time to move on
What part of my day is joyful?
This is a tough question. I dont mind waking up but its actually hard for me. Stretching is good but sometimes I am not into it and its a force apon myself. Anyhow I'm trying to focus and not be all negatice gotta think and just answer the question no butts. Running on a good day might be close to joyful if its not overwhelming. I'm gonna go with the time of day or night when I turn off the tv and just lay down to rest before sleep I think those moments in which I try to acticly pray althou it sometimes turns into just hinking but whatever. I like just laying down in bed with everything off quiet and dark just laying. For the most part i dont think there is a joyful part in my day. I am at my best before 6pm.


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