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2021-04-30 11:26:34 (UTC)

Listened to Alice in Chains on ..

Listened to Alice in Chains on the bus ride this morning. Walking on a gray day similar to yesterday but somehow not as visually pleasing and so I was rather apathetic to the morning's charms. I wish that rock was still good. Maybe it is. Maybe I just dont know where to find the good stuff because its fallen so far out of fashion in recent years. I like the old stuff but I'm ready for something new. Perhaps I shall have to go out of my way more to find new talent.

I wanted very much to be a singer but I was always too shy. But not only shy... I lack confidence. I feel like whatever self-esteem I naturally had when I was young was stomped out of me completely by my negative, unsupportive parents and also peers that neither accepted nor understood me. As an adult, I find this lack of confidence so suffocating. I have moments of overwhelming anxiety and I can barely speak or make eye contact through a simple job interview. This is at least part of the reason why I have remained in my rather unhappy current position for almost 7 years now.

That said, not everything is bad. Quitting drugs 7 years ago gave me a new life. Perhaps its not always satisfying. Its certainly not the fairytale that they try to sell you when they convince you to get sober, thats for sure. But its a life anyway.

I have become responsible- almost too responsible in sobriety. Financially I'm very much on top of my bills, making some good headway paying off my student loans, and investing money as well even with my rather low salary. What I haven't done is treat myself hardly at all. I rarely buy new clothes. I wear them til they're falling apart. I never go out to concerts anymore, plays, or vacations well before covid. And suddenly it hit me that there is something wrong with this. Saving for a better future is great but it'll be hardly worth it if I don't enjoy years of my life in the meantime. So I treated myself to several things in preparation for my vacation. I used to dress so stylish back in the day. Not in a pretentious, expensive way but eye catching. Now, I dress like shit so I look forward to recovering my flare and my zest for life again. I work hard. I deserve it.

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