Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-04-27 19:35:14 (UTC)

Alienation from being human?

Something is wrong with me: something that makes me almost unhuman. Across the world, over 7 billion people regardless of race, culture, religion there are a few factors that make us all human. We are born with two legs, two eyes, two hands etc. What exactly separates humans from animals? This has been a question that thinkers have been trying to answer since the dawn of time. There is a story where Plato stated that in order to be man, one must be bipedal and hairless; so Diogenes walks into the lecture hall with a plucked chicken proclaiming: "Behold a man!" Christian thought beginning in Late Antiquity and in Medieval thought viewed humans as being made in God's image In early modern times we had the Cartesian Cogito, ergo sum statement, and even now today the debate still continues with issues such as artificial intelligence that will have thinkers debating for years to come. So what makes someone human?

According to psychodynamic theories, people are governed by unconscious drives. These drives govern our thoughts, dreams, desires, as well as fears. Of course there are different theories by various psychologists regarding the make up of these drives. Freud determined that the unconscious drive was sexual in nature while Adlerian Psychologist believed the drive was social in nature. Of course these theories were derived from Schopenhauer's "will to life," which premised that all humans act irrational in order to preserve one's existence. Does this "will to life" make us human? What if this drive is somewhat missing in myself? Maybe I am not 100% human?

The first thing that comes to mind when thinking about the will to live is well.. procreation. Something that minds every creature on Earth is the desire to reproduce. For example, my cat has been trying to escape the house due to a male kitty who has taken residence in the front yard. The cat has tore up a windowsill ripping tape off of the window unit and has managed to make it outside several times. This desire to reproduce

The reasons why I have not had the desire has changed over time. Several people had children in high school (welcome to the South), and I saw their struggles. When I was in college, several fraternity brothers had to quit school due to having an "oopsie." Getting someone pregnant absolutely scared to me the point that I became paranoid. Anyone who knows me knows that I grew up poor. Several things that are normal for the average young adult were just dreams for me. There was no traveling, high school was spent working crap jobs, and my entire life consisted of worrying about money (well the lack of money). I wanted to experience "having fun," traveling, and not worrying about money. If I would have had an oopsie, none of this would have been possible.

The older I have become, the more my views have changed although the result was still the same: that I have no desire to reproduce. While Morally, I could never knowlingly pass down my genes after all of the problems I have faced. At one point, between my father, half sister, and myself, over 10 psychiatric drugs were prescribed. Both of my parents have Major Depressive Disorder, on mom's side every single male has met diagnostic criteria for Substance Use Disorder in one point in their life. Mom's grandfather and her dad both died from health complications from smoking and drinking. Her brother (my uncle) is on disability after getting jumped while drunk, my cousin wrecked his brand new car while drunk, and of course, I drank until throwing up blood. As a social worker, the concept of "person in environment" is grilled into our heads day one in a social work program. That is what us a unique discipline. Yet, with all of the problems passed down to me, it would be wrong to pass down my genes. Add in the oily skin passed down from mom that has caused horrible acne starting at the age of 12, I just could not do it.

I believe that this is still not the root of the matter, yet I cannot figure out what exactly what is the root cause of my lack of this primary human drive. This could come off extremely misogynistic, but here it goes (go ahead and judge)... The pregnant body is something that sickens me for reasons that I do not know. In my eyes, pregnancy seems foreign, and nonhuman while it could be the most natural human phenomena that humans can experience. The body looks alien, disjointed and I have held this view even in childhood. In last post, I discussed seeing the pictures of Amy and her "bump" and it honestly made me sick. Go ahead and judge me, I really dont care.

The human body is simultaneously the most beautiful and most sickening thing in all of creation. I get disgusted by my own body, my oily acne ridden pasty skin is totally not attractive, and of course I get to see plenty of naked people working at the psych ward (psychotic people tend to get naked and run down the hall). Most male bodies also gross me out. Not sure where I am going with this. I would not fit in with the ancient Greeks who almost worshipped the human body long before the cultural changes and modesty standards that changed with the advent of Christianity in the Mediterranean world.

At one time, I absolutely refused to date anyone with kids, but my views have softened over the years. I could be a stepdad I think. The biggest problem then turns into dealing with baby daddy and ex husband drama that I dont tolerate anymore.

None of this means that I do not have a sex drive, due a medication, I doubt that would ever go away. However add in the passing on the genes part of the situation and it is a gamechanger where I shut down. I could dive more into my religious and political views discussing this, but I do not think that it is a good idea at this time.

I do not know why I am missing this essential part of being human. Contrary to what people tell me on a regular basis: No, I will not change my mind when I get older. While thinking about the subject matter, I always tend to wonder what makes me different. Maybe I am a sociopath? Maybe I have a defect in the structure of my brain that makes me different? Maybe one day, I might go be stepdad Zach and get the "fatherly" stuff out of my system, but who knows.




Ad: