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Been a while since I,ve ..
Been a while since I,ve written in here, probably because things have been a tad difficult. Because I.ve been detoxing and Mina has been acting up like the miserable old cunt she is.
Reminds me of one of one of the things she said to me during one of her many directionless, angry... is there a name for doing something pointless in an impassioned way? I feel like there ought to be. Perhaps I,ll create one. - she said "You spend all day on your phone, on your laptop" - and yeah I am very online, I should go outside more. But i still spend more time outside than her. She doesn.t even go into the garden, even when there are no builders next door. Just occasionally when someone comes round.
Yeah, I was in a shitty mood on my birthday, Iwas detoxing. And I was going to cook for us both anyway, I just felt like being alone. And I now realise that itäs because she is, legitimately, an exhausting person to interact with. She chose to go off at me instead of being diplomatic. And it was just one too many times, without any apologies, or anything to demonstrate self-awareness.
And she did it on my birthday, my second lockdown birthday. A grave injustice as far as Iˋm concerned. So, Iˋm not talking to her, and ˋm not letting her gaslight me anymore.
I feel bad for Bez. I feel ashamed that Iˋve let Mina tell me all this shit about her to cloud my judgement. Stress makes people more anal, and Mina refuses to acknowledge when sheˋs the one sressing people out.
Like the time Micol was round, and I forget what we were talking about but Mina said something that upset Bez, or moved the topic of conversation onto something Bez found uncomfortable, and then she got defensive over the idea of hurting someone else and cried and went to her room.
If it was just me or Bez alone, she wouldäve no doubt gone on one of her stupid winding rants.
And the times when sheˋs complained about her own body-hair to Bez, which is extremely tone-deaf. You donˋt have to be a trans woman to see how. Bez is self-concious about her hair, Mina is privilged in that regard. So when it was pointed out to Mina that Mina talking badly about her own body hair will of course make pre-everything Bez feel worse about her own, she takes it as a personal attack.
She canˋt take any criticism, in her mind she always turns it into a personal attack. And Iˋve never seen her say "Sorry, I was wrong, I shouldnˋt have done that." Never seen her apologise without then making it all about her.
She literally wrote "Iˋm sorry you feel that way" to me after. The standard non-apology.
So yeah. Thatˋs what Iˋve been dealing with,
On the Friday when Bez came back, I went out with G and his friends, had fun, go too fucked up, regrets, lol. So I spent Saturday nursing my hangover and my ego and the mysterious wound on my middle finger which has become a blood-blister or something. Alone in my room. I saw Chris in the garden. I didnˋt realise it was them. When I saw them in the garden with Bez again a couple days later, it occured to me I hadnˋt seen him since Bez had left. They have a sweet friendship.
Later on I saw Bez sitting in the kitchen, looking withdrawn. Iˋd seen that look before. I kinda wish Iˋd texted her after to ask what was up. Mina was there, ironing or something, and she said something about some groceries she apparently bought me on my birthday.
I donˋt remember, I said, because i donˋt.
"How convenient"she responded.
I couldˋve responded with something about how I donˋt remember much of my birthday at all, and how emotional upset affects memory, but I said nothing.
So I'm just trying to hold onto the fact that, as sad as it is for me that I have to live in this situation - and for Bez as well, I ought to make more of an effort with her - that ultimately, Mina's inability or unwillingness to see herself as an ordinary person who makes mistakes and hurts people sometimes, does make her kind of tragic, pathetic. It must be hard being her. The way that most of her "friends" from Grindr turned out to be abusive trash or have other issues. The way that she feels like I "Don't know anything" about her, even after all she's told me.
And if I were a psychopath, if I totally lacked empathy, I could do awful things and get away with them. I have the knowledge and the privilege. But I won't. I doubt I could live with myself.
I felt emotionally stable enough to write James a message to get my earrings back, without being shitty or aggressive. And he responded. I could've got them by now, but I put it off. Because now I don't want there to be a Last Time I See Him. I'm scared of what might be said, or not said.
It was easier to feel angry. Now I just feel regretful. Even though he takes up much less space in my head now, I still feel like I'm in mourning.
I could've seen Lot, but I was hungover and he had a cold, anyway.
He is a bit of a slut. I can see why his ex felt insecure. Maybe. I know it's different with us, but... At the same time I don't know anything about her, really.
And he's spending his birthday doing the sex'n'drugs thing with someone else this weekend. He apologised. I said It's alright, I'm going to do drugs platonically. He said "Sorry" twice, in text. Which somehow turned it from mild disappointment to... Idk.
I guess I don't feel like we're really friends.
I certainly don't feel like first choice. I mean I know I'm not. He's seeing at least 2 other people, 1 he has a crush on.
It's OK to feel jealous, even if this is what I signed up for. Just a part of me has this desire to know Where Exactly I Stand With Someone because I've experienced so much loss. Abandonment issues.
But I'm seeing Josh, so that'll be fun. We can just be high and autistic together.
I do worry that his feelings for me will become more than platonic though.
Relationships are hard. People are hard. Existing is hard.
I need another poly partner.