If I die today
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2021-04-29 06:07:17 (UTC)


Yesterday was eventful. In going out with yLindse she was late bc she needed to stop and get food and then she got caught in traffic. And on our what shoulda been 10min drive there was a fire going on one side and the other back road was backed up also so anyhow our 10min trip took 40minutes. She tried to get a sitter for her daughter on the way back bc there was no ac in the car and they've had a long day but no luck so I called nDea and asked him to picke me up at the store and we thought he'd be an hour bc its like there was just no way to get there so after my rx was full I shopeed around a little but to my suprise he got there olny after I found 2 things. Our ride back was olny a half hour. Althou I was only 5miles away. so during our ride back his "ex" called more than 2 times and texted more than 5 times he ignored it all and commented if she calls on more time I'm gonna block her. so Anyhow he's proving himself but he's still got some issues and I mean he's kinda a victim in a way and having 20 years of the emontional mental abuse he probally not just gonna let go and he knows that I have no intention of befriending her and I cant trust her . He also knows that if he's with me there no accomadations for her available Im sorry but I dont care if shes dying. He thinks he just has to suck it up bc honestly she wont be here too many more years bc the cancer. I disagree and honestly she needs to get right with her maker since her finnal destiny is suppodly comeing soon. I've been up since a little before 6 I intend to stretch at 8 I slept a little before 10 last night I did wake up once before I got up. My shins are still a slight concern but defintly an improvement. The smoke from yesterday (the wild fire going) kinda made my throat itchy and scratchy but I didnt feel too tigh breathing maybe 5percent. this morning I checked my email the paralegal did email me an update the courts havnt relased to her at .25cents a page by email my file.. Which please understand I was nust and didnt know what I was doing and had no help and despartly was trying so it is hundrends of pages.. anyhow by email its .25 a page but the auto reply says the records person is out so on friday by noon she is going to go in and pay 50cents a page to get it in person if still no reply. olny me. I'm really embarassed and ashamed bc man that whole thing was all a mess and literaly I was under some spell or breaking point IDK I kept getting tidbits of what now seems like bad adavice or frutile here n there. Not that the helpers were ill willed I mean I think the court has me labled and blackbaled but as far as personal friends I think they tried. Things just never were going as they should and I kept being told what should be which wasnt and noone belived me. I think I'm gonna take the cash out for rent this month and save it and try to use that for my next payment and if next month I cant catch up I'll just absorb that I guess. I need to do this on my own but it sucks really bad and I wanna buy stuff but I shouldnt and its a battle of self control I guess. Ill manage. I really want to do this on my own but also I dont I dont wanna endure the pinch and the bullcrap but I did get myself in this on my own and i dont want to be under anyones thumb and whens the last time I was responbile for me as an adult. Its best for me to do this know help but its tempting to start begging. SO I'm searching for a purpose in life and glimpsed at an article some phschology thing on online that has a series of questions to ask yourself so the first one is what are you good at. So I hope to just diary a question a day and maybe be inspired. sooo todays question what are you good at? Its easy for me to say nothing but I want to do this so been thinking on this since last night . I am attentive when I want to be I care about who I want to and reconsise needs and have compassion . so my bedside manner I guess so to speak is great while practily I am not the person to meet needs I have that sort attentivness. In the area of health and fitness I cant say I'm good but I have developed something there. People say I'm good at scrabble. I'm pretty good at being considerate about others time. If I have to be somewhere at a time I want to be on time or early. I would assume I'm good at rolling change I can get it done. so far I'm at what like 4 I would like to do 10 so I'm going to list things I m thinking .
-bedside manner
-time consderation
-rolling change
#5-having creative matterial for writing - thoughts, ideas and inspiration (the actual writing is meh but the idea are valid)
-entertainin senior citizens
-rembering events and birthdays of those in my life
-making crockpot speghetti
- my boyfriend says I'm good at loving him bc I just text what I was doing and I'm stuck on #10 so theres the unoffical 10 I gotta come up with a 10 that is sure and true to me he says "your good at loving me"
-getting sale prices and discounted items
so there it is I'll hve the next topic tommorw and who knows what else to share about whats killing me or supporting my next 90years of life.