Dragon Of Creation

Days in my life
2021-04-29 13:21:00 (UTC)

Relation_ship_ in a storm

So me and my fiancé have been together since 2013. We have been through so much together and he is truly my best friend.
But (as the but was expected) I'm struggling and I'm hurting right now.

We both have depression and we both get ups and downs as every other person and we've always been there for one another, supporting and listening and doing whatever we can to help.
A year ago I started with a severe depressive episode and had to go back on my antidepressants and anxiety medication, I have been so tired and drained since then and struggle to do even the things I enjoy. One good thing that has come from this episode is that I have been standing up for myself more, focusing on getting my mental and emotional health in better conditions and really trying my best. A default with my depression is that I close off and isolate, and it has taken so much additional energy to not do that. I always go out of my way to inform my fiancé of my current mood as well as when it changes. Up to date with as much as possible. Even of triggers. He knows when, what and even why. As far as I know, most men dream of their women giving them this much update? So I do try, because I don't want to lose him due to my depression.
His depression on the other hand, is more focused on self-loathing. He tends to break himself down immensely, so I always try to build him up again.

Lately I am being broken down.

He blames me of hiding something from him, but he has no idea what and has no evidence to back this up (I am extremely loyal. I don't believe in wasting someone's time if I do not see a future with them or would rather be with someone else)
Now past Sunday, he literally asked me if I ever really loved him and that I've been lying to him this entire time.
It broke my heart so.
I was even told that I have no idea how his depression feels and cannot come close to saying "I understand" how he feels.
It's like he has no idea everything that I am going through and I am trying my upmost best, taking one day at a time because I feel like shattering.
Credit where credit is due, in and around the house he has been trying to do more this past year, but then when I have a down mood he says things like "My efforts are for nothing" "What more do you want me do do if I already do so much more" and "You have less to do, why are you still depressed"

After the fight on Sunday I feel numb. I'm tired of constantly having to justify my emotions and literally basing my choices off "If he happened to find out about this, how might he take it personally and will I be able to justify it enough" for simple things like talking with a coworker about their weekend or deciding that I want to order some takeout for lunch. Honestly, since then I have been keeping him at arms length because I'm feeling hurt.

I am exhausted. I am tired. We have such wonderful times together and I don't want to lose him.

I don't know what to do anymore.
My mind and my heart is in a storm in the middle of nowhere.