diane

my bigpink scary life
2021-04-27 22:44:32 (UTC)

the devil in the center of my draw!

the only way i can describe the past week is staying neutral while im falling apart. there has been this type of huge acceptance, and after reading my tarot cards, powerlessness. my whole life i always looked at the life of others, because i have overthought every aspect, interaction, things about myself since i was a child, it was mind-boggling to me how people simply lived their lives, for i never got to live mine. i feel like this turned everything materialistic from then on, since there was no true meaning in my life.
i was born in a sea, i wont say sea. water is shapeless and its nothing, its not negative or positive. but wtv. i was born intoooo aa landfill, i guess. thats all i can say, something so meaningless, trash everywhere. and a landfill of it, anywhere i look i am trapped in a storm of emotions. passed on to me, pushed on to me, the said part is i always knew what it was. from the start, i told myself ur never gonna take the route of actually loving myself. that j sounded disgusting, lame wtv to me i just ...big no no i wouldnt do it. i know now that was for my ego. at such a young age, i yearned for acceptance but presented myself as the complete opposite. maybe last year, the example i would follow for my personality i told myself was that you had a good house to go to. society was annoying, loud, obnoxious, and lame to me, but nevertheless fitting in was the #1 priority. it was always going around them, i knew i couldnt fit in. ive tried and embarrassed myself constantly, maybye not in the eyes of the other but it just embarrassed me inside the things i would say bc i had no preparation for it at all, or i couldnt respond naturally and carelessly. i really did not fit in, my second option? my mouth. i could lie my way through.
what im saying, or finding out for myself is that although from all ive gone through. getting back up is always to throw myself down. i wont accept myself in any light, bc i have to accept it all and love myself. even tho i feel so battered, broken down, the only thing i could do was accept because of powerlessness, that is why my core beliefs will remain untouched. because if nothing negative happens to me, i will make it happen.




Ad: