diane

my bigpink scary life
2021-04-07 19:53:36 (UTC)

HEREINMYMIND

everything has been so chaotic recently. rly my life, every aspect is built off of chaos and there is not one consistency.

ever since I was a child I always imagined what having a therapists would b like. I’d imagine the sessions what she thinks of me who I really am. I never wanted to go without helping myself. Just because for so long I had no help, I also realized how big of a deal having a therapist was so I didn’t wanna go to handle simple or selfish things in my mind.

I could handle just about everything. One thing I could not, was my family. For the first time in my life, I feel broken down. I feel so far away from who I was. Like I always do I kept track of the progress. The last time I felt good was when I was suffering. The first time that feeling crept up again is when I told myself DISASSOCIATE. I’m very very torn and I’m afraid if I keep it this way, the way I’m living in absolute torture and pain it’s going to affect me. And I’m not gonna wanna change.

Because every single time, I have a flow of positive thought of positive change, i run away. You know what I tel myself? The past short cycles have been the same, you worked ur way out u did something differently last couple days then u did all month. Go home and eat a burger. Go home order something buy weed. Bc throughtout the entire process I am so sacred. I’m scared of wtv I’m doing and my faith is not strong enough Ig. Just bc I have a clearer mind I’ve realized everything I’ve been putting myself and y I do it. I think of all the times i tried and I tried. And I tried. I always had a new outlook and believed I was worthy enough I could do it. Now I feel like I’m never gonna b who I was. I’m never filling this void . And at the end of the day, whether I want to admit it or not. I was not accepted or loved by my family, and they still don’t. No matter how hard I tried , even the fact I’m a twin!I was born individually by myself in this world where no one ever connected with me

I hate leaving things on a negative note it’s been a thought I didn’t wanna think abt . I have not been completely honest w myself . Mayb I should start praying for strength. Everyday




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