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2021-04-24 08:20:41 (UTC)

The tale of the dying kitten

Ugh, it's 4:20 in the morning. I actually woke up around 2pm but forced myself to stay in bed. I guess its cause I fell asleep way too early. I dreamt that I was caring for a kitten. It was tiny and sickly. On the brink of death but still technically surviving. Well I don't know what the significance of that is or if there is any at all but I tend to think of the traumatized mind like that kitten. I kind of feel like it's always with you on some level no matter what you do, where you go, or how many years have passed.

My aunt, when speaking of the trauma of the death of her husband said that in order to get over things like that, you have to shut a door in your mind and just not think about it anymore. I guess it's true in a way. That's pretty much what I do however unintentional. But that said, I do feel like in doing that, its sort of like having a permanent limp. It eats at you, imbalances you only it's subtle and you may not even be aware that you're not living your most effective life until that hurt becomes salient again.

But that said, what can you do? Nothing. I personally don't think therapy works for me with trauma, partially because I mainly forget the reasons I'm traumatized except for subtle clues but also because when I do remember little things, I go on sensory overload and I literally cannot speak about it and it causes me such distress to try that I'd rather just return to that ineffective life. At least it's a life of some sort. Therapy did, however work to help me to get me out of addictions and develop a good set of coping tools. For that much, I am grateful.

I've become sort of like a tiger. By that, I mean that tigers are strong and yet they're not highly social creatures like wolves or even lions. Tigers mostly exist alone. They don't seem to mind it most of the time. They're just that way. I didn't mind being alone for a long time perhaps because life in no uncertain terms has taught me that in the end, I'm the only person I can trust but that said, I have been a little lonely lately. I wish I had more friends.

I make guy friends more easily than female friends. Yes, usually they have an ulterior motive however it amounts to nothing more than harmless flirting and we both accept that that's all it is. And then I enjoy their companionship and their take on life. But that said, when you're my age everyone is married and then what would have been a platonic male/female relationship is now completely avoided. Why? Because marriage sort of amounts to an unhealthy possession. Everyone says that they feel strong in their relationship but then it's like God forbid he has a friend.

So nowadays I aim for female friendships. I used to have a bunch and I really enjoyed my girls but people lose touch. Life leads them on different paths. Many of my female friends were troubled in some way emotionally and so relationships like that don't tend to last. I talk to plenty of women at my job and on the surface I enjoy their company but I could never hang out with them because of the chance of workplace gossip and you never know who will stab you in the back at work because truly adults, sometimes, are like big children.

Anyway, I'm tired. It's now 4:45am and I will attempt to start my day. I suspect that there's lots of coffee in my future.