Nadia

wet blanket
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2021-04-22 12:52:44 (UTC)

I feel terrible. I feel ..

I feel terrible. I feel anxious all the time and when I’m not anxious I feel so sad - like I’ll never laugh again. Have you ever felt so fucking sad you convinced yourself you’d never laugh again? That you couldn’t even muster up the energy to plaster a smile on your face? That is pure exhaustion. That is pure defeat.

Half the time I really don’t want to be alive anymore and the other half I’m anxious because I feel like I’m about to die. Like ??? Pick one AHAHhaha you can’t be scared of something you WANT. It doesn’t make sense.

I feel like I keep passive aggressively being mad at my mum for giving birth to me. I know how ungrateful that sounds. But I just ... I didn’t want this. I don’t want to be here, I’m not a functional person. I don’t want to wake up every day and do this shit. I don’t want to pretend everything is okay. She had two kids she could have stopped there. Now I have to drag my shitty self around every day and interact with people when I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything.
My favourite hobby is fucking sleeping. That is the only thing I feel like doing these days. My one true love is my fucking bed and I hate that reality.
I’m sick of relapsing and I’m sick of the energy it takes to pull myself out of it so I just keep going deeper. I have the best support network and I still feel this way. I just can’t do this anymore and I feel it’s all going to amount to a really stupid decision soon.


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