Diary book

Steph
2021-04-21 21:28:11 (UTC)

Today has been a hard day ..

Today has been a hard day mwntally and physically , My emotions are all over the place I feel upset and numb , I'm still really really struggling to drink flewids witch annoys me so much as I'm so fursty I just cant seam to drink the drink .
I had my ward round today and it wa a huge challenge as my consoltent wants my feed to go faster witch scares me so so much and upsets me as well , my weight is steddy witch everyone says is a good thing but in my head that's a bad thing , my voice wants to me oose weight and I need to realise that warl I'm in hear I wont loose weight but coming to that realisation is really hard for me .
I still haven't been able to find out about visitation they should be having a eeting about it this week so fingers crossed I can see my family on the 30th , being 360 miles away from family friends and boyfriend is so hard for me , I miss them so much , all I could do with right now is a big cuddle from them all , but I no that cant happen .
I feel ashamed when I see myself in a a passing mirror I feel like I have geighned loads and loads of weight .
all I sem to wight in my direy is about my weight , sorry .
I will be on the feed and they will be speeding it up every other day , then I will be on a regulared feed where staff put the suplerment in the tube then I will be going onto eating , I haven't eaten in 3 weeks and by the time I get to eat it will be 6 weks , that scares me so so much , I'm not ready for any of this I'm petrified , mum said to take it one day at a time but I feel like that's all I can think about .
I messed up again tonight , I don't fel ashamed about it I feel numb to it, I was trying to get my stress and anger out on myself and it worked for a little while but not long .
why is this so hard ? it was never this hard in my last admition , I mean it was really hard but never struggled as much as I'm struggling now .




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