Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2021-04-20 00:34:00 (UTC)

Piecing Things Back Together

It's been a horrid few days. Thursday marked the first nasty scar of this relationship I have with Mr. Curved Line. It was so innocous, really. At the moment it truly barely registered with me. Since he's been gone, I have had my nights for him, every other night...much the same as it always is when he's out working away on his business trips. Although this one was supposed to be significantly longer, i.e. he won't be back until the month changes over, the schedule was otherwise typical. Even now my body is still reacting to this in print. F*ck this went sideways!

And so it going well and then suddenly he tries to mention that he'll virtual date me on Friday. It's Thursday night and early, so he knew this for a while without mentioning it to me. It comes at the bitter end of our time together. And for a beat, nothing from me. Then it penetrates my tired mind and that's not right. That's not my night. We had a schedule here and that's, that's not it. I don't have Fridays. In the past I have been opposed to his wife having Friday nights, sometimes vehemently and to no avail whatsoever. Now, out of the clear blue sky, Friday is my day? I stammer out something about his wife having Fridays and he tells me that she thinks inverting nights would be easier for her. It's a total inversion of a schedule that I could not for the life of me get changed or even altered. I am flabbergasted.

He doesn't ask me, He doesn't even say something like "Hey I got you your days you wanted." Nope, nothing. Just f*cking tells me. And then he's out. I am still not quite piecing it all together. I have a weird uneasy feeling and I know it relates to the schedule, but... It's early yet and I wind up walking with my husband. I meander both literally and figuratively when I process aloud. And by the end of the walk. I see it so clearly.

I can't sleep. I can't call, he gave away my night and I am not g*ddamn allowed to interfere with his time with his wife, ever. A commandment of sorts. So unable to sleep and now seething, I email.

"I am needing some time away from you. It's been almost a year, I am still excluded from decisions that impact me directly. The latest was a full schedule inversion that I was told about. I feel like an afterthought."

He emails cause like I said it's not like he was going to call. "You were at the front of my intention when I was trying to get a weekly schedule. You are not an afterthought to me. I care very much for you. I will have more time to respond this evening."

That evening, my new night. Super! See how deft his hand is putting me right back in my place. On his new schedule, right back in where he would have me be. And I'm beyond livid. Another email from me. "You should know to include me in the decisions that you know will effect me. I am not comfortable having everyone else decide anything for me in any circumstance. You should have not been able to give her an answer without talking to me. Equals are consulted, subordinates are told. I am not subordinate here."

And after a bit a follow up because I'm not f*cking showing up to date night, the revised edition. "I know you love me and had only the best intentions, however making decisions without asking me is completely unacceptable to me. I want some quiet while I get back to feeling all the care and love you have for me. I don't feel that our relationship is one either party can answer for the other. Maybe one day you and I will have that relationship and comfort, until then. I love you, I am not leaving, I do need some time to get my head straight on this. I'll contact you when I'm feeling better." Look at me restrained and reassuring, even though I'm not feeling it. Still I think there's no reason to be hasty. I haven't heard his side, though he could have told me it, but maybe I'm misunderstanding.

So Friday night I'm blowing off my date night with him. And I decide I want to talk, but now I have no earthly clue what my days are. And I'm trying to stick to them. Texted him "What did you change my schedule to?" He answers, "What nights work best for you? I'll tell you what nights work best for my wife and then I'll tell her what nights work best for you and I'll coordinate from there." I am not feeling this, "Some other time." But he persists. She said Monday, Thursday and Saturday are easiest for her." I wonder, "This change is just for the trip?" His reply "Yes. It was my intention to work to a regular schedule of evenings here and then we'd figure out what days work best when I got back." I don't think so, in actuality he and I had been having fights over the schedule for weeks prior to his departure. He had put me off with vagueness that he couldn't guarantee my days and he would need them periodically for different side hustles, so he wouldn't giver me a set of days despite my shoving in that direction or the full year of this bullsh*t I had heard and put up with not being able to reliably plan in any way for him. There'd been so much contention and he's remained fixed that it was only that he couldn't possibly adhere to a schedule and didn't want to disappoint me.

I'm checked out at this point and trying to get out of texting. "Go ahead...I'll see when I'm available." He's obviously not getting through to me. "I'm really trying to get things done right. I was not trying to dictate a schedule, but I can see how what I said would seem like that. I want you to always feel like you have input on things. Maybe the thing to do is have a three-way discussions about things from the start." Now I am triggered something fierce, this is not what's ever happened! "I need to work within reality...I am not the one you come to with your news, I am the one who doesn't understand your actions, and either I can accept that or not. We'll have to see." Just relationships facts that have occurred and marked me. And then a parting shot across the bow from me. "As for scheduling...no I don't think so. I will show when I want and if you're free, great, if not, whatever. Good night."

The next night is hers and he conveniently isn't possible to reach by even text. I'll spare you the gory details, but this is also another point of contention because she regularly can reach him all the time and does. Not an issue I have with her, but certainly one I 'enjoy' with him. I can't sleep. I feel the tectonic relationship plates move beneath my feet. We've gone from a fight to damage, permanent damage. I can't reach him and as the minutes tick by, I begin to wonder why I don't break protocol just this once? This issue is becoming very important and I have never prior to this ever infringed on his time with her. Is my greater responsibility to warn him that my heart is hardening or to obey the dictum that I not bother them. She wouldn't care so I call. No answer. I feel like a total fool. Why did I think he would answer?

A series of texts about missing my call, but no return call. I don't feel like it's right so I am texting trying to get out of the conversation. I tell him maybe next week because really I have no idea when my days are anymore. Then he tells me the exact days his wife wants and pitches it as his easiest times. I start to leave the texting, but It's a lie and G*d, how that galls me. I call him a liar and state I don't need this. Go on and enjoy his f*cking trip I won't bother him anymore. And lastly point out that it must have been important or I would not have called. He's still hung up on the fact he could hear the phone ring. So I'm rolling my eyes, he's not getting my point at all, but I call him on it, why not call me back? He doesn't know. I point out I never call on not my night, still trying to get him to realize that I had a a genuine reason. Now he's just plain old sorry probably still about not calling me back.





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