Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-04-18 20:28:00 (UTC)

10 Years Ago Today

8 years ago on the 15th, I had the urge to die after the person I wanted to marry finally admitted to me she was with another man and I would never get another chance. 7 years ago on the 16th, I finally put down the bottle after wanting to drink myself to death thinking of the events in the prior year. These events have shaped my life in more ways than I could ever imagine. Two years prior, I would have most definitely concluded that the timeline that I went down was the "worst possible scenario." Two years earlier, I thought all of my dreams came true.

I was 19 years old, before I "lost my innocence" from my alcoholism. At the time I was making $8.50 working for Rob's cleaning company while going to school at the community college. I was 5 months into my relationship with Stephanie. Since we met while I still lived in Louisiana, I had to drive down there every few weeks to see her on a weekend. She lived in the dorm apartments on campus, so when I made the 2.5 hour drive to visit, we would have to squeeze together on her small twin sized bed. We had amazing times, ate pizza every time I came down, spent time at the TKE house, and then had lots of sex on top of that. This was one of the only times in my life where I was truly happy.

Saturday April 16, 2011.

It was 10pm, Stephanie and I were bored sitting in her small room. I was reminiscing about the previous year that I was in the fraternity and not back living at home working a crap job. The discussion moved on to several of the different adventures that I had while pledging the fraternity; my "hazing adventures." One of the memorable moments was sneaking into the pressbox at the top of the football stadium in the middle of the night. The very top of the stadium was the highest point in the city and you could look out across the town and into the low rolling hills of northern Louisiana. Stephanie told me that she wanted to see the view so we set off walking across campus to the stadium.

The gate was almost always unlocked so we hid out in the bushes to make sure we wouldnt get busted by the campus cops. So we ran across the street , through the gates, and into the stadium elevator. Once on top, we sat down in the cheap 1AA college version of a luxury box and talked for a bit before making our way through the door up to the top of the seating area. You could look out and see the entire campus bathed in orange halogen lights that should have been replaced 30 years ago. Further beyond you could barely make out the ambient lighting from the historic district on the river. The air was typical for a Louisiana evening, thick, humid, and misty. The air made it hard to breath while the humidity made the sweat stick to my shirt. Since it was April, the night was still somewhat cool making me feel frigid.

Just watching Stephanie look out in the void of the night made me full of emotions. The glow from the lights bounced off her dark skin, glasses and blue eyes. At the time I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever laid my eyes on. She was my everything; she was worth waiting through all of my singleness of high school. Stephanie was my everything, after only being together for 5 months, I gave my entire being to her, my entire existence. Feeling completely engulfed with emotions, I got down on my knees and asked her to marry me. Tears started to run down her face and she said yes. I finally had exactly what I wanted. I finally felt complete.

Looking back I was totally a stupid 19 year old. Looking back on Stephanie, she was not my savior like I thought she was. She was just as emotionally disturbed and equally suffered through childhood trauma from her father just like I did with mine. Two broken people will almost never work out and I learned that the hard way. However, in that exact moment and in the months surrounding this event, I was the happiest that I ever felt in life. The only other time I have came close was when I first became a social worker in 2020. The main difference was that I no longer have the passion, the naivety, the ability to look forward to the future that I had back then.

Who knows, maybe one day I can gain this passion back? Doubtful but who knows.




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