Crystalline_Dream

Crystalline_Dream
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2021-04-19 14:17:59 (UTC)

Magnanimous

Today is my dad's birthday. Not only am I seeing him but we'll be hanging out with his side of the family. When I think of my dad, one word comes to mind... magnanimous. The type of forgiveness that I have to have in order to have him in my life. He has always been an alcoholic. Sometimes he was physically abusive and when I got older, I even had some dreams that almost made me feel like I long buried memories of sexual abuse though I'm not quite sure if that is true. All I know is that I felt so damaged by him and if I am a somewhat nervous, ineffective adult today, it has much to do with him. That said at least he was there. Mom was mostly absent. So in my mind whatever she is, she's even worse because what kind of piece of shit walks out on their own kid? So, my father was all that I had and however damaged I feel from him, there is some semblance of forgiveness (at least to a certain extent) and also gratitude that he was at least present. His family is equally dysfunctional. Lots of alcoholism on that side. Lots of crazy personalities, lack of boundaries etc. I had to distance myself from everyone for my own mental health for years. But that said, today I hang out with one of my uncles who is probably the least dysfunctional out of the bunch. I'm hoping that it'll be a positive day. I have missed feeling like I have a family. I have missed feeling connected and like I have a rock in this world outside of my partner. My aunts and my uncles are older now. I know that they won't be around for much longer. I'm hoping that some of the distance may be repaired at least a little bit and that I can have some sort of a relationship with my cousins after they pass. I'm not going to put too much pressure on it though. If it doesn't work out, then I will do whatever is in my own best interest. Cutting ties feels like a very unfortunate end to a problem but not as unfortunate as going in dysfunctional circles with people forever.


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