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2021-04-19 01:18:46 (UTC)

There are certainly many ways ..

There are certainly many ways I need to grow and improve. Act less habitually.

Like, when I was walking home, I saw a man on the ground, struggling to get up. He had a pair of crutches.

And of course, the anxiety happened. And instead of taking time to think, assess the situation, and take a course of action - help him up, he called to me and I heard him even though I was listening to music on my headphones.
I walked on by.

It may have been habitual. But it was still a choice.

I remembered learning about stranger danger at school, and a time when a particular nonce who had an eye on me happened to fall off his bike around me.

And then after I'd walked a ways, I remembered I'm a grown adult now. And I feel stupid.

And then ofc I also ignored the homeless man who sits on the street by the house. As usual.

My world is too small.

I wish to become better at unscripted interaction with strangers. I wish to be braver.

The man with the crutches... I feel particularly bad for ignoring him. I could've just helped him up. Asked him if he's OK. Wished him a good night. Simple.

The homeless guy, it's harder, at least the way I've built it up in my head. Because he's already used to being treated as invisible, not just by me.
The proximity is also a complicating factor. I'd have to like, relate to him on a regular basis. Maybe. He might come to feel more hope to be seen by me. To be helped by me.
We've never even made eye-contact and I've already turned it into this whole thing in my mind.

But does it have to be this whole thing? I have so much more than him, I have crap and power. He doesn't need my guilt any more than I do. He just wants some comfort. Probably. Some humanity and some change to get him through the day.
What's the worst that could happen?

It's dangerously easy to be disconnected from people now.