Diary book

Steph
2021-04-18 21:34:20 (UTC)

Today has been a real hard day ..

Today has been a real hard day there has been aot of tears and to be perfectly honest I'm wrighting this with tears in my eyes, I don't no if I'm gunna be able to see my family or boyfriend for a while and that's ALL MY FAULT ! just because I'm stupid enough to atruggle to drink drnks , like why cant I be like a normal persion and not worry about drinking flewids , why do I have to worry about calries and what people think of me for having a drink , My mnd just wont shut off , I want to turn a swtch off and stop thinking so much . I'm in pain drinking hurts my belly , I feel sick because they sped up my feed , I just feell like I ha no choices in any matter anymore , I was told I'm gunna be on this feed for a while witch scares the day light ouf of me I thought I was gunna be off it tiis week , I hope to much .
I want to make everyone proud but I feel like all I'm doing is letting people down. I'm no where near where I wanted to be .
I still hate myself more than ever aand putting on loads more weight isn't gunna help the matter just gunna make me hate myself even more .
The positive that came out of today was I spoke to my mum on the phone , hearing her voice maeks me miss her ever more , my family mean the world to me and I never wanna disappoint them .
I'm trying to keep talking about my feelings but I'm struggling , if I talk about them I just cry , I feel lost and alone in this hospital , the staff are ever so lovely to me I just struggle to open up but I do do it .
I'm still struggling to execp that " I'm ill" I don't think I'm ill enough to be hear or to have the treatment I think id be fine at home but everyone disagrees with me . I just want one more chance at doing this at home , just one more , but I no that's not gunna happen .
Is there any light at the end of the tunnel will this get any esya ? it just seames to be getting harder and harder and I don't no how much more I can deal with .
I screwed up again today , and yet again I didn't feel guilty about it , it git my anger and sadness out .




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