2021-04-17 13:08:12 (UTC)

The 5 of Pentacles

The 5 of Pentacles in tarot sort of resembles a spiritual storm or hardship. It's not the worst card to draw. Just a challenging one. My own deck depicts a couple walking against a mighty wind against a gray sky. That image sort of came into my consciousness today.

Saturday. I needed this weekend desperately. Sometimes I feel that as a surgical scheduler my life is non-stop stress. The demands of people that need surgery are non-stop. I have case requests coming at me from all directions and at all times. A pile of orders are sitting in my fax machine when I come to my desk in the morning. They come in steadily all night long on most days. They're in my email. I log into my hospital computer program and I have text message after text message inquiring about new cases. Whether the case they sent me was done yet. My phone is ringing off the hook all day. We get messages on the voicemail from at night after we leave and on the weekends. Almost every vacation I take, someone texts me on my personal phone about some case they want to have done or at night after I've already clocked out for the day. And there's a lot more that goes into it. Insurance companies, outside parties needed for the surgery, anesthesia coordination. Every single doctor has a different schedule that I have to memorize. Who is on vacation, who has a meeting, who has to leave early today...Ugh, and people are mean and obnoxious too. Impatient patients, nasty doctors, bitchy secretaries, uncooperative insurance companies, demanding bosses, lazy co-workers. Sometimes I feel like I live in the hope of one day off to the next. Monday through Friday seems like one long day to be endured until I might finally rest. But my rest is always homework and chores with little recuperation time. But it has to be this way. I don't know how to do anything else. So I went back to school and it's all about sacrifice. If I sacrifice my free time now then one day I will have the option to do something else. And I NEED to do something else. I'm happy that I spent these past few years being a part of an operation that helps people. I'm happy about that much but I get little compensation for all my stress and effort and it would be very healing for me to be able to move on.

So today, having done my Spanish homework for the week, I only have methodology left. But that said, the class confuses me. They ask you to write a research proposal when you only have a vague idea of what research actually entails. Mathematically and conceptually, it's a lot more complicated than you'd think. So, each time I do homework I sit with my stomach clenched hoping that I'm understanding things the right way but not being sure. These online teachers often don't answer your questions for a long time if at all and I'm just sort of blindly bullshitting and hoping that I get a good grade. So far it's working out but who knows?

Later I will do a power yoga routine of my own design. Whenever it is that I have a real vacation or a free moment, I will finish my class plans for my yoga teaching certification. Yet another goal that I set for myself because if I wasn't striving for multiple things at a time, I suspect I'd lose my momentum in life altogether.

Anyway, enough delay. I'd better get started.


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