I awoke after the first long sleep I have had in days with my mind still reeling from so many thoughts from the previous 24 hours. I expected to actually be awake after a couple of hours like I normally am, but something caused such a release that I slept soundly. My mind still replaying a lot of the conversation, while I got up and got the day started. My past haunts my mind and self doubt mixes with the words I have longed to hear and just cloud my thinking while causing even more questions in my mind. Is it ultimately just a game, or an end to a means? You have said I am more than a play thing, and I have never felt like that from you. You ask how long until the novelty of you wears off, and I find myself asking how long until you tire of me? How long until everything explodes? You say you care for me, and I know that, but sometimes as much as you try, the past can't be out run. Years after the physical abuse, the verbal and mental still hangs on longer than the bruises ever did. You want me to come out of my shell and feel as wanted as you say I am to you, but I know it will take time. As I stepped into the shower, I look down at my body and think so many things. I feel my age catching up with me, I see the bags under my eyes, and despite not feeling like I am in my 40s, I am starting to show it. I try to look at my body and see myself through your eyes and I still struggle. The hot water relaxes me and I picture you here with me and I think I would still have the doubts. I can imagine the doubts fading away ultimately from your touch and reaction. I try not to think about other things going through my mind and fantasies I have involving you and focus on the water and how good the heat feels on my skin but its next to impossible. All I want is the feel of you next to me here in the shower and your hands on my skin. The feel of you pushing me against the shower wall and exploring every inch of my wet body making me feel desired and beautiful. I want you taking control of my body and feeling you everywhere. Bending me over and ravaging me how ever you desire. I have to stop before I totally loose control and give into my body's desire. I let the hot water just wash the stress out of my mind. I don't even know where my mind is anymore. I step out of the shower and slowly get dressed for the day. I have so many things I just want to say, eventually I will let it all out. So many desires and fantasies and I want to just let them all out.
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