Crystalline_Dream

Crystalline_Dream
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2021-04-15 12:15:36 (UTC)

Doubt

I used to be a Buddhist but kind of drifted away from it because it is atheism after all and I got tired of thinking that my boyfriend with cancer will become nothing one day and that somehow I'm supposed to be okay with that because after many lifetimes of perfecting his mindstream (if not an actual soul) then he'll simply fade away into enlightenment or nirvana or whatever. And then I started thinking that in Buddhism there is no origin. We're all just here somehow. And the entire journey of our perfection is sort of meaningless because there is nothing of us that continues on. There are some gems of wisdom in it and excellent coping techniques for the vissistitudes of life but short of that it just wasn't working for me any more.

During the pandemic I got really into yoga. Came across a podcast from the Bhakti Center here in New York. I became intrigued. It was much like Buddhism but there was a god of some sort and the union with this god was the goal of life. There was not punishment from a god but nevertheless consequences of our own actions for better or worse called karma. That made sense to me. And I guess after many lifetimes of perfecting your soul, you continue on in the bliss of your hard work to become enlightened. Even if it's a fantasy it gives me hope and sits better with me nowadays than what I was believing (or not believing) before.

But I'm a doubter by nature. And I've heard some negative stories about the whole Hare Krishna thing which is associated with Bhakti Yoga although I guess it doesn't have to be. Anyway, it seemed very cult like at one time. Some of the people that I study with suscribe to their former leader (now deceased) and his authority on the whole philosophy. Some don't. Ugh, but I feel so guarded and cautious. In truth, people that believe in God (or that believe a little too much without a healthy sense of doubt) annoy me and freak me the fuck out. But since it's been a generally positive experience so far I suppose I'll give it a chance and trust that I'm steering the ship. I can embrace certain concepts without drenching myself into a culture or way of being that doesn't resonate with me.

Anyway, feeling okay today. I mean, there's still the burden of being generally unhappy in my job and worrying about what will come with my boyfriend. But I do feel connected with something higher than myself and resilient and passionate about my journey. So there's that at least. Work is slow this morning. Thankfully but I suppose it's time to get on with the day.

Namaste


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