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Through the Looking-Glass
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2021-04-14 23:00:33 (UTC)

Little Miss Bias

Waking up today, I knew my mind would be analysing retrospectively over the conversations I had with my friend yesterday. So I booked into my business calendar, so it notified my colleagues that I would be in an all-day meeting with one of my clients. I wasn't. I spent the whole day on my own business while contemplating gradually over the things my friend said to me, and with a clear mind, a lot came to fore of her behaviour. I know she is confirmation bias; so there is little I could say, even facts, that would steer her to consider I am responding with the truth. In her mind, with her past traumas and psychological set-up, she sees only from her perspective.

Usually, when she goes into a strop. Generally, something goes wrong in her relationship or work life. She would call me and find faults in my decisions, life, or anything to do with me, projecting her sadness, anger, or stress. Often I would hear her saying, "I am not projecting my issues onto you, but...." and of course, she is. Mostly, I would listen and listen more and block out her negativity from absorbing into me. Then when she eventually has said what she needed to (an hour or so later)
I would ask her, what is it she does want to talk about? That's when we get to the real reason for her cursing, anger and hurt. But, this recent conversation we had pushed too far, there may well be some things she may be right about regarding my very new relationship with my guy. Still, I can say that my guy's descriptions and interpretations have been positive and rewarding because he has been a positive and rewarding influence so far in my world. It is early days, but I am not a stupid woman. Through the gauntlet numerous times, I've made little to big mistakes and experienced traumas that took me years to unveil; even now, some things still affect me today, entering into a new relationship.

I am so determined to make the right choices, make this relationship last and incorporate parts of me I never have previously. I am healthily keeping to my boundaries, not making rash decisions based on emotions and thinking things through, knowing that I have plenty of time to do so. There is no rush and talking things through raw and openly with my guy. The stance I decided on was if my guy or whoever I met, who might become my guy, couldn't understand my curious, analytical approach, that would be one significant factor to say goodbye. I am who I am. I don't fit some, others a little, some a lot. It's not a big deal if someone doesn't fit, and as much as I want it to work with my guy, I will not succumb to compromising what is important to me but, at the same time, learn to accept what is important to him. Find a balance. If that is unreachable, then time needs to be taken to think us through. I don't want to be unhappy and uncommunicative, and non-expressive in my relationship, or my happiness and my identity of who I am is compromised. The same goes for him too, that's not what I want for either of us.

Still, if I try offering my friend this advice, she wants to put it into practice but never does. She is a textbook case of whinging consistently about her partner but never talking to him about her concerns, worries, dreams or desires. It's no wonder the guy has no idea what she wants, who she is and when it's okay to breathe and not breathe. Ten years they have been together, and she complains she is no closer to progression as a couple that grows together in their union than when they first met.

There are two types of people—instructionals and Identities. The first, instructionals tend to see situations for what it is and make an informative decision easily. For example; A girlfriend complains to a boyfriend about her friend being difficult. The boyfriend, who is an instructional type, would say, well, it's easy, tell her you won't put up with it and that you need a break for a short while. Simple.

Whereas the girlfriend doesn't listen to his advice because she is an identity type, she doesn't tell him for his solution. She doesn't want to hear that; she wants to take him on a journey and explain ALL that went on to tell her story because she wants to tell you how it made her feel. It's not about solving it. My friend is a classical identity type, and I used to be one of those, especially when I was in my former relationship with a textbook narcissist; I needed to be heard because I never was. The narcissist only hears himself and only hears the negativity he has inhabited inside his partner, so they can project it back onto them to cause double hurt.

My friend is an identity, and I am now an instructional, back to myself. Things are that simple in life; how does it make you feel? Not good? Then discuss it. Still no resolve? Then remove it. As an example. My guy is also an instructional type of person, hence why we tend to resolve things very quickly, without the harbouring undertones of emotions that usually come with people who think they are settling something. Yet, they believe something else in their minds and not genuinely communicating in fear of saying the wrong thing, hurting the other person, or scared of what they truly need.

My guy mentioned something interesting to me regarding my friend and me also that was entirely on spec. He said that my friend is situational, whereas I am not. Meaning, she often speaks about she works long hours and her partner doesn't do as many as her, the thinking that makes her more important. Or she is putting more money into the house, and he isn't, thinking she is of more significance than he is. Or she is the one who does all the housework 90% of the time, and he doesn't, making her feel she does more, so she is the more significant person in their relationship. This behaviour spans her whole life, including friendships, motherhood, family and her work life. In most of her calls to me, she is often behaving situational and placing herself of high importance and creating a sense of entitlement. It might be why that the decisions she has made in her relationship and life till now, she compares to mine, which bears no comparison as we have had different life experiences and are different people.

Because I am having great sex, it doesn't mean she has to either. Because I started a new relationship, it doesn't mean she needs to re-evaluate hers; plus again, there is no comparison; her guy has been with her ten years, my guy and I are in a new relationship. If I get a promotion at work, it doesn't mean she needs to get one too. So yes, my guy is spot-on. She is very situational, that is clear. I lead my life how I lead my life, and things happen. I shouldn't need to worry that she is boiling into a pit of hell with her situational shit parring up to me because she feels she isn't doing the same thing. I dull down the exciting things I've experienced with my guy to her and am careful not to say too much because, by the following conversation, she will be screwing again—such a shame.

Either way, she listens to nobody, so all I can do is let her get on with it, listen when she needs it and remind her to shut the fuck up when she goes too far. Lol. Glad I got that off my chest. Big meeting tomorrow with the day job signing a 150k contract; I'm already over target for this quarter from projects I delegated. This contract will add that extra, meaning I can concentrate on my own business that bit more.