Prophetess

Prophetess
2021-04-13 20:14:00 (UTC)

Open wounds

It’s been a week, but I know that this was going to be a busy month. Let’s start with the good and then I can lead into where my anxiety is getting the better of me. First my oldest daughter and I have seemingly had the split in the road that I feared was coming. The first time I said no and now I feel like that I am going to remain on the outs with her because I did so. If that’s what the universe and her have chosen, then I must live with it. It hurts my heart to know but I can’t change the choices of others. On the flip side of the coin, it has brought me and my youngest daughter closer to each other. I’m quite thankful for that.

On the heels of that I had a visit with Papa that for the day was cathartic for me. I needed that more than I realized. Having him meet my best friend and the Knight was something that I needed because for me it was meeting my family. Papa also got to meet my brother and that was great as well. I know that he now sees where I have been making changes in my life and steps towards the better part of my life. Though the Strife Knight will always be an enigma for me. If he would only use his words because everything is in his hands now. He has to make the choices. Though when it comes to what I’m doing for him it will be the time to make those choices. It’s a bit sad to consider but it has to be done. This leads into what comes next. Tomorrow I meet face to face with someone that I’ve been talking to for some time now. He seems to be a good man. So now it will be up to the universe to lead me where to go and I’m content with that.

Now to my anxiety. Princess popped back up on my Facebook once more. Gone is the rage though the anger is still there. I do forgive him for what he did but to be honest the anger and hurt still lingers. As does the anxiety. I have some things of his that I had found when I had been cleaning up the mess after he left. I had tried reaching out before after my anger had cooled enough to do so. I don’t have the heart to throw the things away and I’m not that kind of person. I would prefer to return them. Once more I have swallowed the anxiety that has been rising in my throat since simply seeing his picture. I am reaching out one last time even at my own expense to do what I have felt is the right thing. It’s a simple thing to give me where to send them and not make a big deal out of it. Sadly, I’m sure that once more he’s going to try and upend my life and I simply will not accept that anymore. The little girl dreams died when the reality came crashing in. The rose-tinted glasses have been shattered. While I don’t hate him, I can’t bring myself to fall under that spell once more. I won’t. I’m aware now and as an adult I’m smarter than the girl that was in love with love. He can’t live up to what I have now. He can’t even begin to be anywhere near where my life is now. It’s mastering the anxiety that the girl within feels. It’s calming her and reminding her that I will protect her now. I will deal with the anxiety and I will get past it. That’s what I must do. This is the final thing that needs to be done and I will see it through to make sure that it happens. Then the door will be closed on that chapter fully.




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