Diary book

Steph
2021-04-13 21:17:55 (UTC)

strugling

Today I had a chat with my main nurse in the hospital she asked " what I want ut of this admiton" and truth to be honest I don't no , I dot see myself as unwell so how do I " get better " when I feel like I'm fine ? I get its not normal the way I feel about things and the constent battle I face with food but dose that really make me ill ? or is that just me doing it tomyself My head tells me this is all my fault and that I'm doing this to myself , But people aroud me say its " the eating disorder " I'm so so confused , I have so much time stuck in my bedroom to over think all theys things . I explained to her that I want to be " normal " enjoy food eat food without a worry in the world , But I cant remember how that feels to do tht , Its been so long sins I have had a healthy relationship with food that I really cant remember how its meant to feel .


I have been struggling today with flewids getting upset and overwhelmed over a small cup of squash , Bt I no I need to take it as its got my medication in it to keep me out of hospital but in my head it says drinking is bad for me , drinking is callries , calleries that I don't want in my body But I no I need to , Its like a loosing battle with myself .

I did one thing today witch I was proud of I spoke n the phone to my boyfriend for 25 mins , It was lovely to hear his voice and to talk to him for a while , I'm struggling with talking to peope at the moment and struggling to keep in contact with people as I just don't want to let them down , I feel like I'm so negative at the moment and that I bring negative vibes witch I really don't want to do , I don't want to worry them more than they are already worried , I'm scared if I open uo=p to much there leave, I don't want to loose anyone else .

I was allowed on a 15 min walk today with staff , it ws good to get out of my bedroom , Tommorow I have ward round I'm so scared that there gunna make my feed faster and that my body wont be able to cope with it again , I no the doctors and my consoltent no what there doing but it worries me that ill be sick again and again and again ( sort tw ) any advice?

I'm back on my anti sicotics and my PRN witch I have had more of today as my emotions have been very sky high and I have been very unsettled , But they said " that's a one off " I worry that tomorrow will be the same and ill struggle with fleiwds tomorrow , So lost .

I hope to see my family soon and my boyfriend as that seames to be the only thing getting me through theys tough times , This app has been very uselful also , Its good to type your emotions out

Hope everyone else had an okay day/night , and if not I hope it gets better for you




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