👁️ Bandersnatch 👁️
Through the Looking-Glass
It's nice to be able to expel some thoughts, and god only knows how many sift through my mind in just one day. From the day job to my business, family, friends, ideas and actions I planned to do around my home to all the trillion other little jobs I have to do to run a household as a single mother.
Yes, singular, because despite 'my guy' is a part of my world, I still very much feel singular, motivated and remaining in the direction I was already focusing on before I met him. My goals and efforts in my own life don't stop because he is now in my world.
I am finding my 'reborn' self quite entertaining when noting how my world isn't shifting mountains for a guy anymore like it used to do like I used to do. I only learnt this when I started putting myself first; my results, rewards and dedication gave me the happiness I sought - accomplishment. Those accomplishments came with challenges, big heavy, ugly dark challenges, but staying on track to staying loyal to myself paid off. I found a different type of happiness; I found the ultimate satisfaction, peacefulness and intense contentment. Fuck, such a good feeling and I needed nobody to help me feel that. Just me.
Over the weekend with 'my guy, I realised some little things about him, and I don't match up that well. Since I have noted that those little things that to some wouldn't matter so much and bypassed because the more substantial things match up well, they matter to me and are essential in the long term scheme of things. Because while those little things are small right now, months, years down the line, they will become more significant things, grow and affect the relationship and my happiness.
This fact stayed rigid in my mind, and since then, I feel I have pulled back from 'my guy'. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who shows similar outlooks, morals and standards as you. Whatever they might be, and I am aware nobody anywhere can meet our ideals. That is what fantasies are for, and that's healthy to have those. However, I am not prepared to settle into an involvement whereby I can foresee stress, concern or confusion. I do not want to deal with that, and my life right now I built and sacrificed in such a way that I am free of debt, free of stress, free of emotional upheaval. I am independent, and I run my world like clockwork, organised and robust and motivated in my direction. Small goals, many small plans give me fast results and build my confidence and motivation in my efforts.
Yesterday, I spent all day working on the day job, basketing my clients where I needed them to be in the progress of our joined projects we're involved with, then after I worked out, I spent the evening working on my business until gone midnight. I enjoyed every moment of it, good music up loud, three new designs, and working on promotions of four of my selling platforms and online store. As I retreated into one of my designs and away from the labyrinth of my selling platforms, I checked the time, "Fuck! It's half twelve! I need to get some sleep!" I thought. Quickly I checked a five-day promotion I had set up earlier on one of my platforms, and the traffic from visitors into my store went up 1200% in four hours! I can't even describe how happy that made me, "Yes, it worked!" that went in my tick box of, "Do that again, that one works".
It feels good to unload excess thoughts into this diary; mostly, I waffle on about things that mean nothing to nobody, and I should hope not to. What I write only applies to me, my unloading—something needed in my busy world and busy mind. I talk much less in reality, I told 'my guy' on Sunday that I would describe myself as a loner, quite dull, and simple, but I am ambitious. Still, only to myself, I love to challenge myself in the things I feel I need to learn more about that interest me. So yes, I am insular. It's his choice if he wants a woman like me, and it's not my concern if he doesn't. I have told him I am more than content to carry on as I was before I met him because, in truth, I never really stopped doing my thing anyway. He did want to call tonight, but I need to attend to my designs with still two outstanding to complete, which takes hours to do, without then doing all the marketing editing, image advertising and applying to all my selling platforms as features.
One thing I am nervous about, though, is our kitten is now ready to explore the great outdoors. Two weeks ago, she was spayed and had her microchip fitted. She healed remarkably fast, a testament to the great work of the lady vet in my village. Our kitten (now nine months old) has made it clear she is ready also, with sitting looking out the french doors and aimlessly dreaming of all the juicy birds flying past filling her belly, haha. I would never deny an animal its true nature, and she needs to hunt; I want her to hunt. One day this week, her world will open up, and all new experiences will overwhelm her. Still, she is super attached to my daughter and me and will mostly stay close. Not like our previous kitty, who was uber streetwise and a hunting goddess, so I don't believe she will go far, not at least for a few months until she gains confidence in hunting skills. Quite exciting, I am excited for her.
Wrapping up, I am still on the fence regarding my guy, I care about him, but I do not hold deep feelings and certainly nothing close to love for him. I'll see how it goes, and for now, I am settling on my observations and how those observations make me feel and right now, I am feeling to stay in my zone and not put all my eggs in one basket.