As I was getting ready, I thought to put a certain song on. I sat there, my actions suspended, and simply listened to the lyrics. Now, I definitely can’t say I’m a Coldplay fan. It’s not that I don’t like them—I’m just not devoted to them. Besides listening to an occasional song or two by them, I can’t say I go out of my way. Sometimes a song just hits the right nerves, the words, the melody… I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before. So, “The Scientist” always pierces through my heart because there’s so much of C in it, so much of what I wished he’d tell me, and of how I wished he could express his love to me. If I ever had a breakup song, this would be it. This time I listened and acknowledged the words as they came, knowing full well how they’ll feel. My throat tightened, and my eyes started to tear up but it wasn’t enough for a tear to fall. I didn’t cry this time. My heart didn’t give. My soul didn’t stretch to the point of unendurable pain. I just sat there feeling like it was all a dream.
How, in two weeks, can ten years feel like a dream? I know our interaction was real; the chat history is there, his gifts are still scattered in my room, his first ever gift still hangs over my bed. I know HE’S real; I saw him, heard him, felt him, slept in his bed, and even tasted him. But the sudden lack of presence must have got to me. It’s a little incomprehensible that he’s just not here anymore, but I suppose that shouldn’t be so surprising when that presence constantly felt so volatile to me. Plus, I just don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. And I’m still rather surprised he’s doing this.
We had gone to get lights for our newest project and what kept running in my head was that C loves lights and that I can’t just take a picture to send to him anymore. I couldn’t muster a smile. My family, even D, were getting interested and asking about what lamp looks better. I honestly couldn’t care less. There weren’t that many options before me. I knew this wasn’t something to talk about with DG, I didn’t want comfort, or someone to anchor me emotionally, or to be held like I normally would. I wanted a simple distraction, company of my choosing, and then, almost jolting myself awake as I did so, I texted J.
The day round up to be a pretty good one though and I went to bed with ease. I’ve been reading more than I used to, currently working on five books simultaneously. As for writing, I try but I recall the stories I built with him and wonder where all of that will go. I want to continue them just to have them exist in the world, but I’m not ready. Not yet, anyway. There should be some time to grieve, right?
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