Living Without Lighting
2021-04-12 07:32:01 (UTC)


Jay's birthday party was a success. For his 21st I wrote him a card and accompanied it with a case of Coors Banquet. However later that night, two beers into the movie Stepbrothers, my dignity caved and for the first time in forty-five days I decided to break out the pot pen and take a rip. What followed was the incoherent lethargy that I had been acquainted with for nearly a year, as well as the self-loathing anxiety that accompanies a trip on the devil's plant.

For those who don't know, Stepbrothers is a raunchy comedy movie that centers around two grown manchildren, Brennan and Dale, who find themselves living together after their parents marry each other. While they initially hate one another, they grow closer over their shared hatred of Brennan's successful younger brother Derek, and even begin to "grow up" after realizing their childish antics have broken their parents apart. It's a silly and somewhat heartwarming comedy, but of course my high-ass mind began to think about my relation to the whole thing. After all, while both my stepbrothers went straight to college my brother and I took alternative paths; he joined the army for four years and I did a year of a national service program. Low and behold, my stepbrother Patrick is an accountant while the other one works at a lab, meanwhile my brother and I are still figuring our lives out. Mind you, my "brother" is the one that's had physical altercations with me in the past.

Needless to say, even after being stoned I can't help but relate that film to my current disposition. My parents are doing everything they can to get me to my college of choice; they've contacted the employment services, housing department, and have printed out sheets to put it all into perspective for me. Meanwhile, my lazy ungrateful ass has done nearly nothing, passing the days playing that damned Star Wars game and working part-time. Ironically enough, I feel like sometimes these entries are the most work I do, depending on the day. This whole dynamic is what triggered the anxiety, and come to think of it, it's not exactly far off.

I fear college. What my parents hear as wedding bells plays as a funeral march for me. Part of it is because real college means the end of all "this". The video games, junk food, the 10x10ft room that I so adamantly see as my personal fortress. College is the real world, and it's coming quick.

What's more intimidating to me however is my lack of vision. I know my environmental path isn't engaging for me, if I had the ability to make anything reality in an instant I'd have directed movies and done drone photography as a business. While such ideas are enticing, they require skill and don't necessarily guarantee success. College, from what I see, is a guaranteed route for monetary stability. Even still, with my current path I see nothing but misery beyond it. After two years of studying in a dormitory room, I'd finally have that special degree that I earned without any thought as to my personal dreams. Afterwards, I can work long hours in an office job that I have no ambition for, probably for some corporate narcissist who presents himself outside the cubicles as a nature-loving conservationist. I can live my life telling my dad and stepmother that it was them that found my dream, and I couldn't be happier anywhere else. But I COULD, if I had taken the time and the confidence to risk finding what I love and pursuing it. Such regret would be on my conscious, for god knows how long.

And at the end of everyday, I'd lie in my bed staring at ceiling, reflecting on what my life would be like if I had done something else. Only to realize, that out of all the people I sought out approval from, the one person who refused to believe in me was myself.