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2021-04-11 16:21:28 (UTC)

Sunday morning Dharma

I love Sundays. If I play everything the right way (which doesn't always happen), then I have no homework. I slept well but not too much, got up early, a sensible breakfast and lifted weights for 45 minutes. I love light exercise. Not the kind of cardio that makes you want to kill yourself but something just invigorating enough to make you feel more alive, more productive, and more powerful.

Showered and then I was ready for my Bhagavad Gita Zoom book study. It was the last chapter and a great journey. I haven't always liked the concept of religion or God. In fact, I sort of hated it for a long time but this did much to change my perception and heal that angry, resentful part of me. I don't see myself ever being religious exactly. But I do have a focused sense of spirituality especially because of my partner's condition. I decided that maybe I don't have control if he dies but I can change my belief system to something more open and positive. I could choose to believe that there's a reason for everything and that on some level we are never far removed from our loved ones even after they pass. I don't know if this belief is realistic. The part of me that loves science is strictly against such reasoning but I have suspended that thinking for now. I'm not as concerned with that could be proven. I care more about what nurture's me and sustains me. This book study is helping towards that end.

I wince when I think of returning to work tomorrow. I really hate my job. I feel pangs of guilt saying that in this terribly tragic covid-19 world where so many people are out of work. Yes, I'm lucky to have a job. I know that. It's just that it's been stressful, many of the personalities are difficult, I find myself in no win situations constantly, and some of my co-workers lack a good work ethic and much more work falls on me than is reasonable or fair. But this is why I decided to go back to school at this late stage. In about 2 years I'll at least have some other options and I can't wait. Til then I just try to plow through practicing patience, fortitude and forgiveness regularly waiting for that magical day.

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