LustingforNightmares

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2021-04-10 19:44:57 (UTC)

non-state

"Beast Monster Thig (Love isn't Love Enough)" by Car Seat Headrest

[Although in reality, right now I'm listening to Phoebe Bridgers playing live for Brown students. It's Spring Weekend, which in past years has been a big concert event. We had Mitski in 2019 and Rina Sawayama in 2018, it was very nice. But obviously that's not viable now... they still got Phoebe Bridgers though, so that's awesome. Still, it's so lonely—no chat or anything, just Phoebe and a microphone.]

April 10, 2021 Saturday 7:47 PM

Irritated today. Waking up at 1 PM—is fine. I woke up on my stomach and stared at the dimpled texture of the wall, the yellow lacquered paint, and I felt fine. I'm sort of energetic and agitated at the same time. Today, I brought both Nadiya and Maria to get their COVID vaccines, both in different places and about an hour apart. Looking for parking in downtown Providence was annoying enough to fray a little at my edges; edges which only became more frayed later, when we dropped Nadiya off and parked at the mall. Maria and I were in a hurry to get to the vaccine site in case there were any openings for me, but she was high and just kept saying things, the same things, and seemed to forget that we had a plan until I reminded her.

It was kind of funny and my irritation couldn't last too long.

But we just kept having these micro-abrasions against one another. I was sort of irritated that she was high because that meant she was paying less attention to things. This also meant that, in my irritation, I kept being a little mean, telling her to hurry up or not answering much when she directed jokes at me. I tried to partake—but I just felt so quiet and distant in myself. In a pretty meditative and pleasant way, but she kept interrupting it and that annoyed me. Little things, like her reading the GPS wrong. I shouldn't even be mad, it's my own fault for not scanning the map more thoroughly before I started driving. And I should have listened harder when it gave directions, too. But I was still annoyed and felt as if she was distracting me. Nadiya was there too, but was largely passive.

While waiting in a parking lot in Cranston for Maria to get her vaccine (we saw the small military tanks and the military police; it was surreal), Nadiya and I ended up watching some of Prokofiev's Cinderella, the ballet, and it was nice. It lightened my mood.

But Maria came back in the car, with a pitch and volume to her voice that pressed right up against my ear drums and she began talking on the phone with her mom, which pissed me off even more for no fucking reason. And I took a wrong turn and when Maria's mom said, "Va manejando Veronica?" Maria said yes, she says hi, and I said very quietly, "I need some help," and Maria said, "And we're lost so—" and her mom asked if she should go so that we weren't distracted and Maria laughed wryly and said, "yeah,"—as if we were in on a joke, like, haha, we wanted you to hang up this whole time, haha. I wouldn't have been able to tell that that was how Maria felt just by listening to her.

I spent the rest of the drive relatively silent and still. Falling into that liminal non-state that a person gets into when they've been driving long enough to watch the sun set. The last leg of a drive more muscle memory than anything else. I think: that I wouldn't scream if I drove my car into one of the ditches off an exit. I think I'd whisper with my foot on the brake.

Anyway I'm tired. And I should cook something. And I haven't done anything I needed to do today. But I feel okay, really fine. I sort of feel bad for being so irritated. A lot of my annoyance wasn't even Maria's fault. I wish she hadn't gotten high before we left, though. Still. Maybe I just need to be alone today.


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