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2021-04-08 21:47:39 (UTC)

what the heck

there are actually happy people in the world. what. I could be happy right now? i could probably have a personality. it could be bright. i could be a happy, unattractive person. ick. maybe. happy about what lolol. i could take joy in the bad things. schadenfreude. i could wake up thinking 'who can i piss off today?'
i could do that. like fr.
thinking about it- (i wouldnt be surprised if the change in song that occurred between the last 2 entries and this one but idgafrick at this point)
if i could choose--i am and i will--i would be someone who doesn't let anything get to them. im so lazy that i could manage to be too lazy to get hurt. is that possible? i could be someone who attaches meaning to everything or meaning to nothing- actually no i was already doing the latter. ummm i couldddd...ah its gone. the excitement. that was fast.

The type of person that I could be, which would benefit me, is someone who could put aside embarrassment and just do what they want instead of cowering in fear of judgement that may or may not ever come from anyone but themselves. My laziness...I'd leave that where that is but, uh, I can't necessarily drop out of school without accepting a fate of living on the streets so that means I have to put effort into this stuff. How annoying.
Tch, google says you have to be comfortable with yourself to be immune to social attacks like embarrassment but I'll do what I want. This entry no longer matters to me, goodbye.