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2021-04-08 20:21:59 (UTC)

Oh well.

The ugly thing was nice while it lasted. I don't care enough to have some hyperfixation on a trait like that. It takes too much energy and I feel grosser when I cry. So here I am, announcing...I forgot what I was gonna say but whatever. This may be a mood, something temporary that'll go away once my attention is put on something else. I remember being so distraught over how moods dictated my behavior during last summer break but now that dismay is gone so I can only assume the same will happen with this focus on insecurities I have. It's not like I have any other school years to think back to on how to get over this. Those years just went by and I only remember certain parts that happened in those repetitive days. It seems like it went by like a blur but I can probably only say that because I don't remember it lol.
It's kind of like a memory wipe. Everything just gone. I don't know where my mind was for me to remember none of last year. It could've been how insignificant all those days were with me just doing the same things over and over and over again. Or maybe it's me suppressing those memories although they weren't *that* bad. I had literally no friends. Just 1 or 2 people that I actually talked to a few times during the course of the schoolyear. I don't know what I was doing, I don't remember what I was *thinking*. I barely wrote anything down because I thought diaries were embarrassing, and I still think they are so I just refer to anything like this as some sort of journal.

Dignity. Pride. I have way too much pride. How does someone with such low self-esteem have so much pride? It doesn't make any sense. Why do I need to care about preserving dignity when I really don't have any to begin with. My whole existence is already a disgrace so what else is there to lose? Why does embarrassment still apply to me when I'm so down bad? Shouldn't I have already thrown caution to the wind by now? I expected more from my future self but now I'm here. I've always thought of my past self as an idiot but at some point, the present and future me become the past me. So in that sense, *I* am the idiot no matter the point in time. How annoying.
The only thing I can credit myself for is writing down what I'm thinking so that I can reread it in the future and pity myself but that, I know, is just a waste of time too. I could be doing something much more productive. I could be completing the homework that (thank goodness) is not due tonight. I could be...studying? I don't know. I don't study. I could be texting that one friend that I still have to check up on them instead of being caught up in my ever so self-centered thoughts that are the only thing on my mind. I could be...yeah, whatever. I can't think of anything else, my life basically revolves around school after all.

Before I got up to try finishing my reading for ELA, I read what I'm pretty sure is the 139th and final chapter of Attack on Titan's manga. I don't have any words for that. It's just. Done. It's finished. What am I supposed to say? I'm glad I read/watched it? (I am). Say I'll miss those characters, the aot cast? (I will, but I've never been big on missing things. I just hate goodbyes.) It was a good ending. Not good as in the best possible ending but it was a nice ending. I don't know what I'm feeling. I can't tell if it hasn't sunk in that it's over or if I genuinely don't care. It has always been so hard to decipher how I feel about things. That's probably why I think so highly of neutrality.

But I'm not sure what's next. What do I focus on aside from myself until the end of the year? I already know that if I linger in my own thoughts for too long...I forgot what happened. Lol. I just remember feeling sad, lazy, pitiful, and some other stuff that I don't care to elaborate on. Reading random stuff will only cause me to procrastinate on finishing work. Speaking of work, shifting my focus onto school seems like the best and most boring idea ever. But there's the slightest possibility that I might fall into that blur from last year. If I manage to make everyday the same, my consciousness might leave my body. Then there's no more worrying about the future or my failure. Just moving, working, eating, sleeping, and repeat. It sounds boring and monotonous but appealing nonetheless. If I can pull it off before I try spewing it to other people in an oversharing mood, I probably won't be back on this site.

For some reason, I don't feel so excited anymore. Was there ever anything to look forward to? How did I go to school everyday last year without rage quitting if there was no goal or motivation? I have nothing here. No person to search for in the end. Children aren't something I want to end up taking care of in the end. While money does buy happiness, none of that which is temporary and really just material are appealing to me because I know that all that amusement and happiness goes away after it's used up. I'm no self-sexual and I do not, will not, harbor enough self love to keep going meaninglessly forever. So when it comes down to it, what am I really still here for? I know that this is really only focusing on self-interest but I don't have anything to give to anyone anyway. It would be easy to say 'I'm here for everyone else' but (1) nobody wants meπŸ’€πŸ’€ (2) I'm not that altruistic that I'd do everything in my might to further our advancement/improvement. (3) I don't care about anyone *that* much. I couldn't allow myself to be here to find love if I won't be loved back lol. I'm too sensitive and susceptible to emotional hurt to let myself fall into anything besides mutual obsession which I'm certain will never exist in my case. All ideal situations aren't possible *because* it's me.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't plan on sewer side since that's a lot of work and probably boring too.
maybe. maybe not. whatever.
If someone decides to take pity on me and pick me up at some point during this life, then that's that. If not, then that's that. More boring though. I don't know why I even try anymore.

Hate. I don't hate everyone and everything. Just myself. Everyone else is fine and dandy. All that hate I've directed my math teacher is probably just me redirecting my own self hatred.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of attaching any meaning to my thoughts. I want to go to sleep right now. BUT I HAVE HOMEWORK.


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