Happy or Depressed?
I’ve never had this feeling before where I feel like I reached the top of a mountain and the whole mountain is slipping right under my feet until I eventually hit rock bottom. I’ve never felt a hurt that is real and not just my feelings or thoughts in my head.
I was so ready to feel like I was about to be at the top of a mountain and my life would look like on to look forward to. My own baby on the way. I would finally have a family on the 8th December 2021. But now I know you can’t plan ahead for the future because the future is never guaranteed. I just was prepared for a little me to finally put all my love into and make sure they lived the happiest life and all the mistakes I made in my own lofe they would grow to me so much stronger not like their mother. But the opportunity to be a mum got took away from me. It’s been one day since I found out I lost the baby and all I do when I’m awake is blame myself, live through pain and when I sleep I’m dreaming about all the bad things that are due to happen to me next. We can’t choose who we lose and keep in life. I would have saved and grew that baby and rather my life be taken so they can live on for me with their dad and all the rest of the family, anyone deserves a place more than me. Now I have a fear of losing the people I love most because I don’t know what good I have for them to want to stay around.
Even if I try take my mind of it my body is constantly torturing me every moment I do suddenly feel peace. My head is so twisted in my thoughts right now - I’ve always been insecure but I’ve never felt so ugly and so lifeless. I literally don’t see the purpose in myself. Telling everyone I was pregnant gave me the chance to bring something new and positive to peoples life. That’s been taken away from all of us so I have nothing to bring to peoples life’s now, I’m just back to being me and I am just not needed - who needs the bearing of someone who brings nothing but themself? I have nothing to offer.
I’ve just given up on myself and so many things and I don’t know how I’m going to find my feet again after this. I don’t even want to finish my degree and that’s the one debate I always had with myself that it’s just 2 more months then I’m done but I physically feel incapable of doing it and as if I’ll be the one good enough to bag a job with it anyway. I just want to be taken and something good come in my place because some will say I’m taking life for granted I would say trade me.
I’m insecure, unmotivated, depressed and pessimistic about all of my life right now, who would want to take one someone with that as their description?