legacy

If I die today
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Ezoic
2021-04-04 07:55:21 (UTC)

on the road

Where to start ok so I had some vodka and cranberyy last night I had my fair share not an overdose but I have a headache today . Road trip was looong the bike fit into the car with my seat forward after a bit it was uncfomrfatble but the forks on the tire bc he took the wheels off to fit it in the car- the forks were on nDea's seat. He didnt complain was just careful a few times at stops he got poked by them :( so this is the sweetest thing he bought us that bike. so nDea got concerningly drunk he's a stupid drunk, I"m sorry love. So he gets this weir accent when he's drunk and gets super friendly and emotional and goffy . And after we shared about 4cups he kpet begging me and beggin me for a nother and I was worried bc it was like after midnight and he has to walk about a mile home. and also so with the back pain he's been taking ibprfuin too so I dont want to mix to much and he's very prone to hangovers. I dont htink he takes all of my advice thou so at about 2 he was wanting to leave and I asked if he wanted his bottle of vodk and cran to go and he didnt want that but said he'll take a cup to go so I opened to door first to give him the hint and I made him one more and sent him on his way he was texting me weird it never actually said he was home he was texting me pics of te road and then said his phone was acting weird and he loves me yadada so we will see . ohh soo I'm kinda having some problems and its time for me to buckle down on those I'm going to have to start with diet first but unlikely today I'm likely to try to hop across that highway to cirlce k to get myself a drink after a baht I'm pretty sure chores are out today and I gotta check my budget one more time before allowing myself pizza AND drinks there is still skyy vodka in the fridge and I do have a headache and I am on a budget for the divorce butt todays a weird holiday thing IDK I'm anxious and annoyed. Anyhow about my personal problems I keep cramping pelvicly and I've been somewhaht gassy to my fresh produce is out right now as awell and I eat alot of outside food with my love soo some culprits? Gas is high. I'm drinking my 32 oz press in the am then usually another 12ounces between 3-5 in the afternoon on coffee so I'm a freakin train wreck. I just wanted a coffee video 4 cups of coffee is about the maxuim and coffee takes 12 hours to process. anyhow ok so I have problems internaly with my mind so Its a phase where I guess all the time pregency is a question an addiction to peeing on sticks. Althou impossible and I know not to let my brain travel that road bc its pointless. I guess I mentally still struggly witht the whole thing my tubes are tied and that well I just dont know what I"m doing on this earth. ok so anyhow theres been no stick pissing since JK and I'm not going to go up that foolish route but I cramp alot and the last 2 nights I've been getting dry and I'm having pains while doing it. Its a fimilar type pain but has never been a pain with nDEa before so Im not sure whats happening anatomically inside tehere but its suspisious. odd. I dont have unirnay symptoms I dont have anything else other than I am producing liquid on and off again from my boobs which I have been known to do before and its solid color white miliesh I think its becasue my pituatry glad ordeal but IDK. I have a trup planned to the grocery store tommorow. I just found out cabbage is a gas culprit too so I might cut that. I'm olny spending a small amount I miscalcutaled my budget thinking I could run errands tommorw but my ebt comes the 6th so this is my exspecne I need to think about low gas foods that are cheap and start my new month diet off right also hydration is gonna be a key. so let get freaky Im kinda well aware that we are more the physcial beings the energry or whatever you want to call it yesterday as we drove thru the gorge was super high on the way there and I"m not quite sure what I was picking up on I dont gt out much a road trip is rare for me so its not a place that I rember being speficly. anyhow I just had this peaceful feeling and like knowledge that nDea is it were' going to be together forever then all thee follwoing thoughts of how well techincly JK gave me up right literly between xmas and new year althou I know it was done I finally got that text that week and then how it was around or before jan 11 that this new relationship began to rise up the first hints so its like I had to let go of JK to move on? Im not sure but nDea wasnt a man on my dating expierence from sept to jan I didnt see him or seek . I started tinder in sept bc I basicly knew I was done but just didnt wanna fail I guess. so I never kissed another man or svcrewed anyone or anything but dam I was headed that way .. anyhow I"m glad that I was freed from hJos K. and well I started thinking about nDea and just all the things I love him so much and why would he put 200 and a road trip all this into me if it wasnt love. We had some good talks thru the whole day and night yesterday and well I learned I assume a lot and that its not what I think or accuse (in my mind) with c. ok and anyhow tryin to sum up a dream I was here at the apartment and JK appeared again as a worker and he was sitting and together just hanging out and in coversation he mentioned I"m so in love I get greeted everyday and I get almost everyday. SOmehow nDea fit into that dream bc in the dream I had like in my mind been thinking or emabarrsed or confused some weird feelings but I was happy about nDea but not feeling to keen on Josh's announcemnent or comments. I was thinking liks sh!t he coulda had all that with me. IDK I cant rember all the dream now yLindse texted me right before 8 so I got up but I just now got to writing I'm on my first keurig coffee and I had abanna already. But I do have a headahce and whatnot my mental state is less than content Im worried that nDea and I arnt "good' togethere this drinking mess and look I'm full of bad mean wicked ideas to get him free which arnt all right. Im unsure if I personally excasterbate the trouble with eCarri at home for him bc I make some thought provoking comments that I shouldnt. and also look at the funds were wasting for what? I do love him anad care very much but I know that he's likely to be hungover this morning and it wasnt a good idea to walk even a mile out there in the dark alone in the contistion he was in last night but hes a grown man I'm not his mother and in talking last night it struck me he's really hurting. Note even the talking just being he's a hurting man mentally emotionally IDK what he's going thru but I know he's not enojying everything and its gotta be exhausting between 2 hourseholds and the woman is putting him in this weird postion where shes blaming him for her poor choices that are hurting her helath shes makin no arragemtns for what she needs assuming he's not at her becken call wont buy herself things she knows how to prepare to eat she's just got some things going on that I dont like but hes dealing with the guilt of 25 years of his choices and he's a compassionat man so I know it hurts to watch the suffering and heartache of her but to me my opinion is she is in a duletions. Well I gotta try to get a bath and hope to get down the highway before any increas in traffic.


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