Tati

Background Noise
2021-04-03 21:03:26 (UTC)

I don't know lol.

I feel better. I have the habit of only writing when I'm at some kind of all time low or feeling worse than usual. I don't know what's different today besides the fact that I didn't think as much but that could make a world of a difference considering how my mindset is constantly changing in accordance to my thoughts. I woke up some time around 1 or 2pm and while that wasn't my intention, it didn't really matter that much to me since I've never managed to become dedicated enough to the flimsy schedule plans I create the night before. I almost miss being able to say /Good Morning/ to my family (I say that like everyone is always in the house lol) instead of /Good Afternoon or Evening/.

It all just boils down to something I realized before I took a shower. My only real job is to be a decent human being. If I can at least manage that, then I can find myself at least bearable without anticipating the disgust or rejection of everyone that comes to know me.

In my thoughts, actions, and morals. My morals definitely aren't too concerning and my actions, while bordering antisocial, are just as acceptable. My thoughts are a different matter entirely, at least I think so. It's the small thoughts and ideas that worry me. Maybe I'll be reading about a bad incident that occurred to someone and it's like 'I' slip up and think 'good' and quickly correct myself, hoping that it's some sort of intrusive thought, completely foreign, rather than any hidden feelings of mine that I've yet to acknowledge.

If I can ignore those type of things, then I can safely focus on human decency.
Putting that goal aside, I feel like I have a problem with (1.) empathy. And (2.) what is socially normal...
(2.) How am I supposed to know when to respond to people?! You know when people do that thing with their heads, like they tip their head up in a gesture that basically says 'Sup?' What am I to say? Do I make that same gesture back at them? Do I just say 'Hey' like a normal person or not (since it seems way more formal in contrast to the way the other person greeted me). I feel like I'm in need of some sort of etiquette class for this, it's so bad.
(1.) For a while (as long as I can remember since my memory sucks) every time I catch myself feeling for someone and whatever predicament they're in, it's like I cringe at myself as if empathy isn't normal or like I'm faking it. It's annoying. Why can't I feel sad for this person being sad or mad for a mad person? Why can't I be happy for someone who is feeling happy as well? It really isn't even faking when I'm just adopting/mimicking the emotions projecting by that person to understand or empathize with them subconsciously.

Well, whatever. I'm listening to music right now and I'm tempted to just keep writing here just so I don't have to turn it off and go back to watching Youtube. I mean, what's stopping me? Diary Prompt comin up:

/Why did the chicken cross the road?/
Now, there are two takes I could take for this question. One where I can assume the chicken is nowhere near as wise as a human in the sense that they may not form thoughts. The second, I would assume that the chicken *does* have that kind of mental power.
1.) The chicken simply crossed the road to find out what was on the other side. It had ran away from its pen on a faraway farm and somehow managed to wander out to the nearest highway. With the intentions of heading straight ahead like it had the whole journey there, the chicken waddled across the road, paying no mind to the cars with car drivers that had no qualms about creating roadkill for all to see.

2.) Morbid Curiosity. We all indulge in it sometimes, though not often for most. Evans just so happened to be a very curious chicken. On that dry morning, he watched the vehicles speed past his spot on the side of the road with a captivated, dead gaze that most chickens tend to stare at everything with. It was a small idea that popped up to him that he simply pushed down at first, his sense of self-preservation flaring up. But that wasn't enough to kill it and eventually it became the only thought at the forefront of his small poultry mind.
…What would happen if I crossed the road?
There was no 'if' he crossed the road at that point as it became a matter of the multiple outcomes that would result from his following action. Death, injury, and discovery became mere story endings to Evans as the goal of satiating his curiosity drove him to take a step. And then another. And another. And then-

Yeah. Goodnight. :)


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