Allowing for Happiness
I once heard this thing about this guy who would tend to his garden all the time. he would seed, he would pull weeds, he would mow it, he would water it, he would fertilize it, but he never took the time to sit back and enjoy his garden. I sort of feel like that since I've gotten sober.
when juliann and I were on the road one of the cardinal sins was for one of us to mention to the other, "wow, traffic is really great!" being too college-educated individuals we still clung to the superstition that, if we were to merely mention our good fortune, such good fortune would be snatched from us and substituted with destitution (in this case a massive traffic jam).
that is how I feel now. I got the job. I hate using the term "dream job" but this really is beyond my belief. I'll be working as in-house counsel. I mean, holy fucking shit, I don't know how I get so lucky with my jobs. in Austria I worked at a top-tier law firm, before that I was in-house counsel.
for those who aren't in the legal profession, in-house counsel is the most sought-after employment, it is usually granted to "experienced" attorneys who have "served their time" in private practice. to-whit my colleagues are in their late fifties. I remember other attorneys commenting how about I was young to be an in-house counsel (they did not mean it derisively but rather the way one remarks that a kid is young to go to college).
so I am really happy but also really...I don't know. I'm worried something will fuck up. I SHOULD BE HAPPY/ECSTATIC!!! why not allow myself that happiness? because I am worried that it is an ephemeral chimera that will dissipate the moment I acknowledge its existence. if I merely view it out of the periphery of my vision then it will hang around, the moment I turn to grasp it, to feel it, to sensate it, it will POOF and up and vanish.
but I am happy. I am sober and I have now been afforded the opportunity to take the next step in my life. I have moved from drinking myself to death, to a difficult six months of rehab, to living with my parents (worked out better than I had expected), to finally getting my own place and a job. I mean if you had told fucked up me a year ago that this is where I would be it probably would have blown my mind.
I was so very sad, so despondent, so apathetic, so destructive. the prospect of even bettering my lot in life was nearly unimaginable. I had resigned myself to my state. horribly overweight, destroying my liver, just slowly and sadly dying.
I write that because I hope that maybe someone that is in the state now may read it. I cannot overemphasise just how hopeless I was. I was throwing everything away. my education, my love for life. I had lost just about everything. my job, the love of my life, my love OF life. I had resigned myself to death. I had signed my life over and was just taking the final trip by way of a bottle of vodka and six beers a day.
if you are in a state like that, whether it by way of a needle, a pipe, a bottle or a knife or a gun or a long fall that may make it seem to you that it will allow for you to transcend the endless pain that envelopes your every...fucking...day. please don't. I know, I know it will be hard. I would never lie and say that it is easy. it will be hard and you will want to give up. but never strive for perfection, only progress. little by little. pick yourself up. don't expect anything, that is the fatal mistake of anyone. don't expect anything.
except one thing. that life will get better. and I would never make this guarantee to anyone other than someone who is at the point that I was. life will get better if you make it better. if you give up what is killing you. if it is a needle, a thought. give it up. and I promise you life will get better for you for the very simple reason that you will start living and stop dying.
and once you do start living, remember that a key to it all is to allow for your own happiness. pat yourself on the back. tell others (because people DO want to hear that you are doing well, especially those that love you). happiness and allow for it is what it is all about. if you don't allow for it, make time for it and revel in it then what is this all for? it is for experiencing, for loving, for enjoying and for you to be happy.