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2021-04-02 12:44:33 (UTC)

Hey, Hey

[Lines written yesterday]

We almost embark on the fifth day of C not speaking to me. Two days ago, as I was about to finish reading a book he got me last Christmas, it occurred to me that we’ve been here before. I looked through my last diary and lo and behold, we are exactly a year later. On March 31st of last year I wrote the entry about him not speaking to me for three days and about telling me he wanted a break when I tried to break the silence. It’s an odd feeling that brought so much contemplation, but one thing that was mind-bogglingly clear was that my emotions weren’t as erratic, as extreme. I’m not as broken as I was back then.

It’s not that I’m indifferent. I am genuinely wondering how long his silence will last. This time round though, I feel completely fine waiting for his first word. Maybe it’s partly believing that I haven’t done anything wrong, and partly because I don’t feel I’m losing something valuable—possibly because I already have—or maybe it’s because I have more confidence in that this time around, I’m not the one who has much to lose. Does that make sense? I mean, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. The fact that he bailed like that means I must have driven him to his boiling point again, asking the impossible from him. I did make it clear that I still appreciated his effort though; it’s just not what one would expect from a romantic partner. I don’t really feel the need to reach out to him and apologize, to run back to him like I did before. It’s not that I don’t want to do it out of pride or anything; I just really don’t feel like I need to—or have to.

Yesterday was a lovely day for outing, so D and I took the car and left to pick R up. Judging from the streets alone, it was like things were getting back to normal, except for people wearing masks. We picked a place in the centre of town to have lunch. Apparently it wasn’t as busy as it usually is.

Just as our food arrived it occurred to me all of a sudden that I tolerate a lot from people in my life. When it comes to family and friends, I notice that much of how they express love and affection is out of sync with me, and I often find it offensive or annoying. But I tolerate it, with the knowledge that they mean well and that they love me. I think C naturally expects this tolerance from me as well, to accept his expression of love, even if it's not synchronised with mine, to accept that what he’s doing is enough because deep down he loves me and there’s nothing for him to prove. With that thought I realised that I do in fact expect him to be different, he's the one person I don't want to just tolerate. I tolerate so much from others because I know he’s the one to succeed when others fail. Maybe that’s my mistake though, dumping this burden on him. Maybe he just can't fill that role. Or maybe I'm wrong to look for one person to fill it.

In a video call with DG, by coincidence, I heard myself opening up to him about being conditioned to be serious and to assume responsibility with others. As a result, the child in me keeps a look out for a specific type of friend, predominately someone who can be an older brother to me. It’s logical, if one thinks about it, because the result is that I long to joke around and be childlike with someone. That’s my release. To be like that is to be vulnerable, and who am I supposed to be vulnerable with if it’s not a life partner—a best friend and a lover? But then something quite wonderful happened. I opened up to DG and he simply… accepted me. He’s younger than me but the fact that he can’t wait for us to meet and hang out, to just ask him if I need a hug or any other gesture of affection, and there’s no obligation for it to become romantic or sexual, simply felt like SUCH a relief. It genuinely gave me a bit of a rush for the rest of the day because it showed me I’m loved by someone. It’s always wonderful when someone shows you they love you, right?

At any case, the status quo continues, and I’ll maintain silence until C speaks first. In the meantime, I’ve been reading 4 books at a time. Must include an entry about that later.