my life is a mess that i can't escape
2021-04-01 18:28:13 (UTC)

rest day

As you can guess, today was my rest day. You know, rest days were supposed to be relaxing, but mine wasn't. Because I had lots of time to think about the issues which disturbs me in my head. Now, I'm better and I forgot most of them but I have to remember all of them again to write this diary.

Today is 1st of April. Time is so fast, and the first quarter of 2021 is finished. Did I say that time is so fast? It is the strongest weapon. So, I took of my "martenchka". It is a kind of luck bracelet, if you are reading and don't know its meaning. I couldn't go out today. Actually, I haven't been going out since Monday. So, I tied by bracelet to one of my plants. Also one of my plants was sick. It didn't look healthy to me. I tried to take care of it, I hope it'll be better.

By the way, I had wished to date with my crush. I think it won't happen, because I'm feeling colder to him day by day. I was going to write to him tomorrow, but I don't want to do that now. I don't want to comminucate with him. Because my love can be bigger that by day, and I don't want to be mentally wounded.

I didn't study or read something today. That's why I was too pessimistic. I thought a lot about my past. I thought about all of my regrets, and I didn't wipe my tears. (lol I'm doing the same right now) I also understood that why I like studying so much eventhough it makes me tired. Because I don't have any time to think or remember something while studying. I only remember my goals, and future plans etc. Bboth of them sucks, but I prefer being worried about the future than the past.

I didn't study today, but I joined my online classes. I didn't join some of them, because I was busy with crying, anyway. And in the other ones, I was searching for bikes on the internet. I did my leg workout today, and I've been feeling physically healhty for 4 days. Especially I feel my legs stronger evenhough my calves are still shaking. Yeah, that's the truth but I'm so ashamed talking about my body. Is here a "free" place?
I think, yes. So, I can talk about all of the stuff freely here.
Anyway, I want to ride a bike in summer. Actually, I don't know how to ride but it seems easy. All of the bikes were expensive on shopping sites. Luckily, my grandma had given some money. She always gives me money. I don't want to take her money, but I used to need money before the pandemic situation. I'm good at saving money, because only my grandma gives me money regularly. I used to think that she gives me a huge amount of money according to my age, but actually I'm hacing less than my other friends. I hate talking about these financial stuff, but I have lots of things to tell.

I also don't want to spend my money, because my parents don't want that. They tell me I can say everything I want to have them, and that is unnecessary to spend my own money. I haven't wanted anything (especially anything financal) from my parents so far, and I think I won't try. Luckily, I'm living a "rich" family, and I'm always being reminded this. But that started to make me tired a lot.

I always trust 3 things about me. Those values are patience, perseverance, and will. Actually, my will is too week but I strenghten it by hiding my needs etc. So, that made me mentally recessive. People don't believe this, but I have a list which I write the things I'm gonna do when I start to earn my own money. For example, I added a bike to my list today.

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