Darkcrow

Beatrice
Ad 2:
Try a free new dating site? Wiex dating
2021-04-01 00:05:42 (UTC)

The Poly/Mono Complication

I apologize in advance if any of my spellings are wrong. I guess I should apologize if my thoughts don't make a whole lot of sense either. My anxiety has been really out of hand lately. It's hard for me to put together thoughts. It's really not easy at all. Oh plus, I went to the gym yesterday and I really overdid it.

It really hurts to move my arms. Like...a lot. Like 1-10, it's a 7. I took some pain killers hoping that it would help but I have yet to see results. But that was less than 10 minutes ago. So there's that.

Speaking of pain. Mom just had her surgery yesterday too. I went to go see her. I went to go see her but she wasn't doing so well. I'm glad I went to see her when I did. Dad had to run an errand and while I was there, she needed a lot from me. She was in really bad shape but I've been hearing that everything went smoothly. I just hope that stupid sugery was worth it. She was nauseous and in a lot of pain the entire time. I wanted to talk to her and try to make her laugh but she couldn't even hold a conversation. Also, I learned that dad has a really bad bedside manner. I wanted to butt in but I think he was what she needed. She was being a little stubborn because she just wanted the pain to pass but dad was really pushing her to do something about it. I admire his need to take care of her. Even if doing something like that seemed a little...rude? I don't think that's the right word though.

So besides that, what do I have going on? Well today I had the day off. And....I kinda had the worst start off to my day. I mean, I didn't wake up in a lot of pain. Just the opposite really, I was in a lot of pain when I went to sleep and woke up in no pain. But um, no it was fine until Blake woke me up. He basically asked me if he could have sex with someone.

So let's back a bit for a second and explain a few things. I don't think I've documented any of this in this diary. Maybe a physical one, but not this one. The master diary of all my diaries. So first of all, Blake came out(?) as polyamorous to me a few months are we moved in together. Which kind of irritates me. I feel like that was something that I should have known when we moved in together. Or maybe when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even though, he never really asked me at all.

I'm kinda confused now. He's allowed to poly but am I? I think so. He's made jokes before but I think he would allow it even if he wasn't? Does that make sense. I guess I'm trying to say that even though he's made jokes in passing, I think he also meant it seriously. I feel like that makes more sense and less sense at the same time. What the fuck....Whatever. I know what I'm trying to say. Sorry for the tanget.

So...um...oh yeah. So I've known for a while...nearly a year now. It took me a long time to come around to the idea. I did a lot of research into it, and it seems like it's almost like it's part of the person. Like my sexuality. Bree is poly too but I think that's for psychological reasons. I think it's because she doesn't or has a hard time feeling and accepting the love of other people. And for her, if there's multiple people in her life and one leaves, that's not a loss for her. At least, not if they're a long distance person that she has no chance with at all in the first place. Or someone...that's another tanget...hold on.

SO...for real this time. So me and Blake talked over the poly thing over and over again. It was....extremely hard for me. Like really hard. I guess because I've been fed all my life that if you find a person, they love you and only you. That person is to give all of their love and attrention to you. They are to give everything they have to your relationship and if they don't it crumbles. That's if you're in love and don't disrespect them....looking at my last relationship. But ours is....well I was going to say nothing like that, but we're very disrespectful to each other. But always in a way that we understand is playful and not at all malicious. (Hmm...I've never been able to articulate that in such an accurate way. I like that.) Anyway, I thought I found my person. At least one that would stick around for a little while. (Though I didn't think I would make it this far.) And it turns out that he didn't want just me. Or maybe it's he needs more than just me?

I have to admit I don't understand this poly thing as much as I need to. I mean, Blake hasn't wanted to be with anyone in such a long time. There was that one time he had a crush on someone at work that person. I can't remember their name so let's call them....Alex. Because Alex was a trifflin ass bitch. And while this person wasn't, they caused me a lot of discomfort, stress and...well borderline alcohol poisoning. So....ugh I feel like no of this is making sense. Let me start over.

So, Blake came out as poly. I attempted to research and understand it. As I did more research (but admittedly don't understand it still) I started coming around to the idea more and more. We had a lot of conversations about it. I started placing boundaries about what I wanted to know, what I needed him to communicate, what I needed him to do. That is if he wanted to do this poly thing and have our relationship workout too. Which I'm sure we both do. But...it's kind of hard. With me being monogamous and all. I eventually came around though. We had come to our conclusions, I had my boundaries laid out and he had come to an understanding.

That was until he saw Alex at work. He knew them for like 2 fuckin days and wanted to date them. Apparently, Souda and Declan wanted to date them too but Blake made it first. He went on like..two dates with them and that was kind of it. The first date they were supposed to go out somewhere. I think I was too stressed out by the situation to remember clearly what they were planning to do. All I remember was that they weren't supposed to be at my apartment on my couch taking a nap when I got home after a long day of work. I was really upset when I saw the whole thing. I guess the shock of it in my face was too much to handle. I was supposed to hang out with them and meet Alex...Amethyst was their name. I just remembered. My fucking birthstone. They ruined that for me....a little...I still like the stone. Anyway, so I stayed in the room drinking the whole night. I was really hurt but I told Blake it was just because I had a rough day and I didn't feel like socializing. Which...wasn't inaccurate. I just left out that my feelings were hurt. It wasn't what we agreed on. My feelings were allowed to be hurt.

But it brought me a little bit of comfort that the next day was for us two. That's where I was wrong. I don't know if that was just another assumption I made or if we actually made plans but it wasn't the case, regardless. He spent the next day with her. He left me at home. Alone.... I had to stay at home and be alone while he was out on a date with someone that he wouldn't stop talking about. You know, the part that hurts? I don't even think that he talks about me the way he talks about other people to me. He won't...that's for later. I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyways, I just stayed to myself drinking because I didn't know how to tell Blake that I wasn't comfortable with a situation that I already told him he could do. I told him that it was okay. And I remember telling myself that I had to be okay with it because if not he wouldn't be happy being just with me. And that was the thing that hurt the most. I'm supposed to be his person....I'm still supposed to be his person. I'm supposed to be enough.

But I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't about me. It's about him. It's very hard. I think it's hard because he's the only thing I could ever want. And it hurts that I can't be or never will be that for him.

Um...but anyways I kept drinking until at some point I didn't care enough to keep it to myself. I had a complicated feeling about this situation. I didn't Blake to see me drunk and miserable like that all the time. Oh and by "like that", I mean I drank almost an entire bottle by myself in 2-3 days. Hard liquor. Vodka, to be precise. So, I told him. I can't remember what came out of that situation but I um...don't remember that the situation with Amethyst was too complicated. So the relationship kinda just died.

So fast forward, to a few days ago. (Again, I've been stressed so the events may not have occurred in this order...

Side note I'm continuing from this point forward the next day because Blake needed to borrow my laptop for his computer issues. I don't know.

Anyway, so a few days ago he asked is his friend Aubrey could stay with us. Apparently, she's been couch surfing since her boyfriend broke up with and cheated on her. She has no family here (or something) and so Blake is offering her a place here. SO we are here now. Down the line he admitted that he had a crush on her. He said he wouldn't have sex with her because she vulnerable and some other bullshit. Now I call it bullshit because he very quickly changed his mind when he found out she had a FWB. So now, he wants to have sex with her. He brought it up, wanted to have a discussion about it but then he kinda retracted it.

I don't remember the entire conversation. I just remember that we were both awake in bed (shortly after he woke up) and then said we should have a discussion about the poly thing. That's when he told me all that stuff. I very clearly recall him saying something like, "We really need to talk about it because what if I tell you I need a couple hours with Aubrey." Like...bitch the answer is no. THAT's MY HOUSE!! You're not keeping me away from my house because you want to have sex with her. You better find the time when I'm away at work. Plus, from the beginning, I didn't want to do this. I think it's stupid and selfish. Real feelings time? Maybe it's the same thing. Blake has everthing he could want or need from me. But his family never gave it to him. He has issues with his mom and dad til this day. His mom would leave him alone months at a time. Now, he's branching out looking for love and affection wherever he can find it. It's dumb. He's dumb.

This whole situation doesn't make sense. He doesn't need anyone but me. I know that. Why doesn't he see that? I wanted to break up with him a while ago over this stupid shit. I could easily just move into the spare bedroom. But now I can't we have 2 bedrooms in the next house. I'm sure I could easily just sign up with this place again. I mean, it sucks. But I could....What am I doing? I don't need a break up plan. Though, those are nice to have just in case. I'm just saying.

But...I don't know. I wanted to talk to my therapist about it today but I got really drunk last night and didn't set an alarm. So I slept in until the appointment was over. I really needed that appointment today. I'll just..schedule another one I guess.

I could just talk to Blake but that's....hard. It makes sense to this but it's hard. Maybe doing more research would make me feel better. Maybe talking to him would make me feel better. I don't know. I know that's the right thing to do but I don't even know how I would go about it.

Honestly, if I wasn't such a good person, I'd tell that bitch to hit the bricks. But she's really no threat to me. I don't know.

I keep thinking back to when I was with Blake towards the whole...last guy. I don't remember his name. OH Hunter! So, he knew I was dating other people. I don't think he knew I was sleeping with them though. But it was only Trustin and Hunter. And the only reason I was searching out those people were because I wanted something serious with Blake but he never really budged. He didn't really show any interest in being serious with me at all. And yet, he showed jealousy.

It's like he says something and shows another. Or he has a double standard. This is dumb. He's dumb. His emotions are dumb. His attractions are dumb. He doesn't make any sense and it makes me upset. Whatever. All this is stupid anyway.


Ad:0
Try a new drinks recipe site