šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2021-03-30 17:12:26 (UTC)

I Keep Waking Up...

...At an hour that I'd rather be sleeping. Between 03:00~03:20 a.m. in the morning. I have no idea what to do to stop this from happening.

I really am trying hard to quit smoking. I no longer buy cigarettes. Smoking has ruined my teeth, and I've lost a front side one because of the addiction. I'm trying. My neighbour smokes and her ashtray is outside on her front doorstep and I have been raiding her butts and smoking them.

Battling with aloneness almost on a daily basis. Having friends is hard for me. Always has been. At least I don't have any using friends in my life today.
That's a miracle that I wholly embrace with "incomprehensible relief." It's 04:18 in the morning and I need to do something in order to get more sleep.

I still haven't gotten over the flu from earlier this month. Still have a cold and chest cough. Drinking echinacea tea, taking Ester C, and eating mandarins and oranges.

I'm too busy most days. Got to stay busy because I feel like smoking.
Did about 15 days before I started raiding my neighbour's ashtray. I know. It's incredibly disgusting. I'm an addict. I've watched others walking the town streets searching for cigarette butts and I've done this too. It's something that I am deeply ashamed of, so talking about it helps.
It keeps me sick to keep sick secrets.
I want to get well.

My cats are so good for me. I feel guilt about keeping them because I live on a nominal government income and we are not meant to have pets.
I'm going to try and cut down on how much I spend on their food from now on. I'm going to have to get help with Calico and Huckleberry Finn. They need a home. I can't really afford to feed them but I do.

These are some of the things that occupy my mind most days as well as a host of other life issues that include the current state of my tiny home. I'm doing something about this, which is positive.

My grandchildren occupy my mental life too.

So does one male. A love interest that doesn't exist except in my head.

I crave and desire order. Deeply and very much.

I don't know how to live well in the present moment. It's coming...just so slowly.
I need to learn to slow down. At least I'm not working on fatigue or burnout right now.

What the hell else do I have to write about except the reality that exists in my head. The head is a good place to start. I want to live there in utter peace, not chaos.
My heart is quite another thing.
I'm dealing with a very deep anger and now that I've quit smoking, I'm feeling it most days. Walking helps me change this incredibly well. I want to feel again and have a healthy working relationship with my emotional life.

Change is coming so incrementally slowly. (It's an observation not a complaint.) Change is so different this time round. It feels sturdier, and far more grounding. For once in my life, I do believe that I am doing change the right way.
The fairies are leaving me. I don't need them anymore, and they are not the type of fairies that are good for me either. Their rose~coloured wings and their pretty pink smiles are not my shade of living anymore. That's sound progress. There's always work involved with changing. Always.




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